otona ppoi kanjiru

I've decided that from here on out I'm going to stop posting my new blogs onto Facebook. If anyone is really that interested in continuing to read these I'm afraid I have to ask you to please subscribe or check up on it every so often. I'm not looking for any attention, this is just something I do to let off some stress and speak my lingering thoughts. So, I apologize for any inconvenience.

I've noticed something recently.
I'm more mature than I thought I was. At least, when I think of how other people currently are or hear stories of how others were, I realize that I skipped being a stupid teen, a dumb college student, and I just want my future already. I'm not sure if it's a good thing. In a way I see it as because seeing immature people who can't take things seriously or do stupid things because they're "in college" just begins to make me mad. I never say a word to them, but I can't help but think it. But then again I wonder if I'm just being overly jealous. Maybe I wish I could be immature, maybe I wish I could just jump to any guy I wished, get drunk, and just have a good time. I can't completely say I'm mature anyway, that would just be ignorant. I am pretty ignorant. Who am I kidding.

Watching some movies, reading some fanfiction, I feel like I can relate more to that feeling of an adult than that of a stupid nineteen-year old. I don't feel like I care about others like a usual outgoing/party female college student. I feel like me and every other guy around me are completely different. It's not the issue if they like me or not, whether or not I want to try something new, I can't see anyone worthy anymore. I look around and see no serious guys. I see college and the unnecessary things that come with it. I'm not sure what to say about anything. What to think.

I'm being irrational right now. But it's not just a sudden spur of the moment thought. I'm being awfully biased, I'm being awfully.... inexcusable.

I remember back when I was in high school, I never thought of anything serious, really. I watched something and never noticed the significance or the real emotions poured out onto some matter. I always thought, "Awe, that's really cute. One day I hope to do something like that." But as I re-watch or watch new things now, I see something almost completely different. Maybe that's otona ppoi. The whole idea of just growing up for good now seems so much more exciting and rewarding. To actually be able to share your life with someone who cares about you and being able to smile when they come home every night after work. I don't know.... I'm just a little tired of being.... nineteen. It's still the age when I'm not supposed to be mature. I didn't want to get older or leave my teens but now I'm just sick of it. I just want to finish college and share some kind of life with a mature person. I just want to be at that point where it's right for me to be mature.

There's always something in way.
But I won't complain to anyone. I'm being irrational. My paragraphs can make others mad. I'm in a more mature state than I want to be. But I don't feel comfortable being any other way.

I'm sorry.