I want to go back. Looking through old pictures from two years ago, seeing the faces I feel like I have forgotten. I'm starting to wonder again who is more important to me. Them or one. I had a goal in the beginning, I wanted to be with them again, and I was going to fight my hardest to learn Japanese so I wouldn't have that language barrier with them anymore. I wanted to impress them, I just wanted to understand them better and be a REAL friend, not that foreigner who became a really nice person that they'll never forget. I feel like I'm that kind of person. Sure, I have serious conversations with one or two of them but I still feel a border somewhere between us. I figured, once I become fluent or at least really close to it, I'd be able to get closer to them, I'd be able to understand them better and they'd understand me better.
I thought, I'd be the one to marry a Japanese guy. And it excited me to think so. But waiting so long to have that, it's really lonely. Then I began to think about dating any Asian. But then what happens? I still want to go to Japan, I want to LIVE in Japan. But then I may have to give that up if I wanted to stay with someone I loved to be with everyday. I thought it would also be great if I could find someone to go with me. Someone who would also be trying their hardest at learning Japanese to see the same dream as me. What are the chances?
Waiting until my time comes in Japan seems more realistic. I've decided to audit a class I can only make to once a week (even though it's a two days a week class anyway). It's a class in which we read modern Japanese literature in Japanese. I'm just soo serious about this language I can hardly believe it myself. Was it because of them? I think another reason why I'm trying so hard too is so I can get permission to take an actual Japanese class while I do an exchange in two years. I'd be able to meet 10x more Japanese people and make friends with them too instead of with other exchange students. I just want... actually, I don't know what I want.
The feeling goes up and down. I think about them to a point where I can't stand it and want to try so much harder at learning Japanese. Then I think about them to a point where I feel like we're fading and it shouldn't make a difference. But after receiving a letter with stickers and a guitar pick from one friend of the band we love so much and even went to see them live together, I know I'm still thought about often and in their hearts. It makes me unbelievably happy to know that they still care, still wait patiently to see me again, try to keep in contact with me, send me letters and pictures (I even had incidents with food!), it's just, maybe I meant a lot to them in the end. I've even been able to Skype with another friend recently. I'm so happy.
If these are the people I should be caring about the most as an incentive to my future life in that country, why should I still burden the feeling of this wanting to share more with someone else, want to aim for the same thing, want to try hard together to reach the promise we made to ourselves? I want to know what it means to date anymore. Life feels mixed up, people are immature, feelings are tossed and recycled around. I understand high school is not the place to be worried about love, but college? I would think even then you would be mature enough to want to TRY to find someone who you want to care about, someone who "fits" you and not like the many people I see dating just to date and have fun with it. The way I see college right now, the way people are just make me upset. But that's just my opinion. I'm sure many people would disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm not going to argue against them. But I'm just looking for something or someone who knows how to spend college but in a more mature way.
All I know, is that I really want to be with them. I'm working hard to reach them. I'm working hard to reach other people as well. But in the end, I can always rely on them to continue to think of me, and I promise to think of them. The life I had there, my friends, even if I could find love.. I would have to most likely give up my main dream to stay with a single person. And I don't want to do that.
恋しい。
Japan... distances away... but it's the one place I know I belong whether I have someone to hold hands with or not.
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