ネ、ネ、2人の思い出を重ねて..

恋しい。

I want to go back. Looking through old pictures from two years ago, seeing the faces I feel like I have forgotten. I'm starting to wonder again who is more important to me. Them or one. I had a goal in the beginning, I wanted to be with them again, and I was going to fight my hardest to learn Japanese so I wouldn't have that language barrier with them anymore. I wanted to impress them, I just wanted to understand them better and be a REAL friend, not that foreigner who became a really nice person that they'll never forget. I feel like I'm that kind of person. Sure, I have serious conversations with one or two of them but I still feel a border somewhere between us. I figured, once I become fluent or at least really close to it, I'd be able to get closer to them, I'd be able to understand them better and they'd understand me better.

I thought, I'd be the one to marry a Japanese guy. And it excited me to think so. But waiting so long to have that, it's really lonely. Then I began to think about dating any Asian. But then what happens? I still want to go to Japan, I want to LIVE in Japan. But then I may have to give that up if I wanted to stay with someone I loved to be with everyday. I thought it would also be great if I could find someone to go with me. Someone who would also be trying their hardest at learning Japanese to see the same dream as me. What are the chances?

Waiting until my time comes in Japan seems more realistic. I've decided to audit a class I can only make to once a week (even though it's a two days a week class anyway). It's a class in which we read modern Japanese literature in Japanese. I'm just soo serious about this language I can hardly believe it myself. Was it because of them? I think another reason why I'm trying so hard too is so I can get permission to take an actual Japanese class while I do an exchange in two years. I'd be able to meet 10x more Japanese people and make friends with them too instead of with other exchange students. I just want... actually, I don't know what I want.

The feeling goes up and down. I think about them to a point where I can't stand it and want to try so much harder at learning Japanese. Then I think about them to a point where I feel like we're fading and it shouldn't make a difference. But after receiving a letter with stickers and a guitar pick from one friend of the band we love so much and even went to see them live together, I know I'm still thought about often and in their hearts. It makes me unbelievably happy to know that they still care, still wait patiently to see me again, try to keep in contact with me, send me letters and pictures (I even had incidents with food!), it's just, maybe I meant a lot to them in the end. I've even been able to Skype with another friend recently. I'm so happy.

If these are the people I should be caring about the most as an incentive to my future life in that country, why should I still burden the feeling of this wanting to share more with someone else, want to aim for the same thing, want to try hard together to reach the promise we made to ourselves? I want to know what it means to date anymore. Life feels mixed up, people are immature, feelings are tossed and recycled around. I understand high school is not the place to be worried about love, but college? I would think even then you would be mature enough to want to TRY to find someone who you want to care about, someone who "fits" you and not like the many people I see dating just to date and have fun with it. The way I see college right now, the way people are just make me upset. But that's just my opinion. I'm sure many people would disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm not going to argue against them. But I'm just looking for something or someone who knows how to spend college but in a more mature way.

All I know, is that I really want to be with them. I'm working hard to reach them. I'm working hard to reach other people as well. But in the end, I can always rely on them to continue to think of me, and I promise to think of them. The life I had there, my friends, even if I could find love.. I would have to most likely give up my main dream to stay with a single person. And I don't want to do that.

恋しい。

Japan... distances away... but it's the one place I know I belong whether I have someone to hold hands with or not.

特別になりたかったんだけどさ....Probably about time I faced reality

As if things couldn't make me more confused.

I honestly don't know what I was expecting for this day. I don't know, maybe something cute, something adorable, but really just a normal conversation. But maybe a tint of something else, something hopeful?
Lets just say as I think back on it now I'm wondering what was the point of trying to celebrate something that doesn't exist?
Yeah, Happy Anniversary. We aren't even together anymore.

I wasn't looking for immediate results, how could I? Nothing I do can ever bring things back the way they were because of the distance. Nothing is ever the same. And now I just feel embarrassed.

I look for his attention, a little too much. Today is just a blunder. I thought I had something to look forward to but in the end it's just as lonely as ever. So much for thinking I've accomplished a landmark, it's just an empty date that I tried to make important. In the end I let myself down. As to be expected, of course.

I enjoy talking to him.
Always do. But things just seem so helpless. If only I could write what happened today instead... everyone would be ashamed of me. I'm ashamed of myself. I don't even know him anymore so why would I even consider... like seriously, wtf. This was hardly the day. Waking up like this, I thought maybe seeing his face again and joke around could make me feel better; didn't help at all. And now here I am, regretting 12/04/10 ever happened. This isn't love. And I don't know what the hell I'm feeling for him now, what the fuck I was feeling at that moment I said okay. I don't even know what happened.

I feel like, I'm just tearing myself apart. What am I going to do for Christmas? Try to make that day special too? Try to talk to him again hoping for something special again? What am I supposed to feel? This has been one-sided since October.

I receive random hints that he still cares the slightest for me. That alone has been keeping me strong. The day he webcamed me drunk, it was the happiest I've been and the one day I thought that I was doing the right thing, He sang to me and played many songs on his guitar for me. He told me many times that he loved and missed me. But then the one day I double guessed myself when webcamming started to be too common while he was sober. Was it really worth being this friendly? If things plan to never change, if I'm not allowed to hear certain words for an entire year, being constantly teased by these overly friendly meetings, what am I supposed to do? Why should I have to look forward to the nights he gets drunk, hoping to receive his special feelings for me? He just doesn't get it. Then he gets upset for me being depressed, what is he expecting? He has no idea what I'm going through. He's out there miles away living a life where he doesn't need to worry about the feelings of others. Why am I depressed? It's because of him, but yet he thinks that I get depressed over nothing and/or random things and gets mad when I'm upset in front of him. Wtf does he want?

I want him. I love him. And I honestly don't care about anyone else's opinion on the matter anymore because I know what I'm doing is stupid already. I've gotten the facts shoved down my throat back in October. I haven't forgot them, I'm trying to think it can't be real. I'm pushing myself to do things just for one person. Learning Cantonese? Really? Is that even necessary? Wtf am I going to do with it if I can't spend the time using it with him? I never even wanted to do anything with China! What about last night? I would have never done that! What is this landmark supposed to mean anymore? Don't tell me you feel bad... Why would I want to know that...?

But I'm tired of being desperate. I'm tired of trying to send my feelings across the distance.
I wasn't expecting us to go back to before, but I was hoping.... hoping that I was able to feel that he wanted me too. Not only trying to make me happy.

If I make it through a year of pushing myself, persuading myself with the thoughts "if I just keep trying, prove myself by waiting" I'm going to be a mess by the time I don't have to wait anymore.

Before I got to speak with him I started writing a different blog entry:

I don’t think anything is a mistake anymore. If I considered all of this a waste of my time, thinking it was a mistake to meet you, what would have I accomplished? I would have realized that I’m weak for not wanting to try, realizing that no matter how much I may love someone I can’t fully trust them, and in the end it’s not love. You’re going to get hurt and you’re going cry. It’s what’s expected. One person is going to fade while the other stays devoted. Tell me nine months mean nothing. It comes and goes and the worst sides of people may show by then. Then let me know when it’s appropriate to give up. When does it become a hopeless battle?

I think if I learned anything these past three months is not to lose hope so easily. The beginning was the hardest thing I went through… Just receiving as much information as I did then was enough to just tell me to give up and stop trying. It all seemed hopeless. The words still dig deep into me. But I never let go. Instead I decided to look like a fool and come up with all these attempts to try and win him back. Yeah, I was desperate. Maybe I still am, but I don’t think it’s for a hopeless cause.

Today makes it one year. Whether or not we’re separated or broken up, I still consider this our anniversary.   Because I’m still happy I can smile in front of him and not break down. Because I can still talk to him every day. Because he can still find a way to tease me about how much I care about you.

I know my time and efforts went into something worth more than the surrounding stress revolving around me. It’s not perfect, but I still believe there’s better things to come. If not sooner, I know it’ll be here by August of next year. Am I wasting my time waiting so long for something I can’t be sure to come? I ask myself that all the time.

If that’s the case, I can look at it this way. At least I’ll know how to treat the next guy I meet.  I failed last time, but I know the next guy, if not an asshole, we can go far too. 

And now it's like this... what's going on between us...?
I don't feel closer to you at all....

For,

I was finally able to finish 下一站，幸福 yesterday. The ending wasn't disappointing but I kinda expected something a little more. Confessing and being able to fix everything just like that. Not to mention it was only 30mins long, like wtf. I feel like there should have been more of an arguement in it. Not so.. accepting. Then again dramas aren't usually like real life, however it is valuable on how you should try to make life be smoother and happier. I learned a lot from this drama, especially near the end. Only time could tell though if I actually fall through.

People are changing. I've noticed it around me. Well, at least recently. My mom came to visit me along with my sister and dad. And, she learned to cool her temper. I was very surprised. I was able to tell when she was starting to get upset but she kept quiet instead of saying something that would make us all feel uncomfortable to be around her and sad/mad. Then she cheered up later on. Maybe one day isn't enough to tell if there really is a change but, I think I've lost enough confidence in her already that it's about time I decided to look ahead again and recognize her attempts now. I know she's really trying now, and the fact that she's bee losing weight could be helping her too. She'll have more confidence in herself that way too and I think I need to start paying attention to her more again. I can't let her efforts go unnoticed.

But it's all to do with trying. I think I learned a life lesson from her and a love lesson from the drama. You have to try and not give up on yourself or others. It's not okay to just drop a thought, an ambition, a dream, a hope, if it's for the good that is.

I may be stupid, but I have determination and persistence in the things I care about. If I didn't have other classes to worry about I'd be dedicated to my language studies. I would know better Korean than what I do now. And I'd be mastering in Japanese (lol exaggeration but). And even my side languages, I'd be able to focus more time for them too. I can give up easily, but it depends on what it is I'm giving up on. If it has significant value to me, I won't let it go. At least until I know I've tried all I could.


Those days when it seems pointless and that all your efforts aren't having an effect, it just takes time. I've waited about 6 months on vitamin A and I'm finally getting an effect. I've waited years for my mom to change and I'm seeing an change, I've waited three years in elementary to be accepted by others, I've been waiting five years to finally feel something real, the past only relying on fantasy and fiction I've written on paper to keep me in peace. I've waited eight years to finally understand this life. Maybe, I can wait a little longer for some new change. Maybe if I give myself time, if you're willing to wait, I have confidence, I can change.



This is for,the new emotions, the new determination, the reasons that keep us going.

Colored pencils and a whole lot of thought

Preoccupied?
Yeah, maybe just a little.

I kinda want a flower.
A friend I know gave his girlfriend flowers to make up for a fight they had. Actually, he went out of his way to do so much more and I was like, "huh... That's really nice... I kinda wish someone would do that for me." He was going to get her chocolate and then order her Japanese food (from my work woo! lol) that night too. I never really thought much about it until then how much girls really like flowers. I mean, even if they don't seem like that type of person, flowers mean so much to them. It shows them how special they are to the one who gave it. A female stereotype? 

In any case, I'd like to receive a single flower. It doesn't even have to be a pretty one, just to carry around with me on campus and put it in a vase when I get home lol. If anyone on campus is reading this, I'd really appreciate it lol ;)
 


I've had my amusement for the week. An eventful webcam chat Saturday afternoon with someone across the Pacific. I honestly couldn't have been much happier. And then it all came down to tests and a Korean skit. It was fun getting together with everyone to rehearse. I always get really weird around people, well usually I do. I don't know why but it happens and then it just becomes hilarious. Laughing so much, it was great. But somehow looked forward to today. Sure, it meant Thanksgiving vacation. But Wednesday.. a little more special? At least to me :)  But instead I'm going to have to go to the mall and buy a new phone. My phone won't charge anymore so I'm hoping I can find a cheap one at the Verizon store. I don't have time to wait to find one on Ebay or something and get it shipped. Goodbye well earned working money :(

I don't think I can get fired at Sushi Tei anymore. All the customers seem to like me and my manager metioned to me that if I try really hard this week I'm looking at a raise. Which is really niceeee :D I already make $8 an hr. plus tips. It's not very bad working there at all. I'm kinda glad actually, sometimes lol. Tobe honest, I make around $200-$300 every two weeks. 16 hours from work study gives me $116 and then from Sushi Tei I make around $200, depending on how the tips are I get more. But that was when I worked 4 days a week. Now that it's only 3 days, well.. I'll make lets say probably $150-$250 every two weeks. I'm really lucky when it's busy for tips. And yesterday was pretty busy and I didn't make one mistake! So, I think I'm finally starting to get this waitress-ing thing down. It's nice to have money though. I do want a whole new wardrobe and buy a lot of language books at Boarders :D

It's kinda hard to think about anything else anymore. I mean, here I am trying to worry about school and work, making money while getting the good grades. But it's all just jumbled up and I just want to lay in my bed and not have to worry about a thing. Stress? Maybe. I should have added that to my opinion paper for Mano-sensei. I'm trying to focus on a little to much that I can't handle. It's my own fault but I just don't know how to stop myself. I want money, I want to see people, I want the good grades, I want to change. I just don't feel normal anymore. It's weird..

Preoccupied.
Thoughts moving around.
I've been in the process of making a picture, and.. I just hope I don't regret it. I feel like everything should be fine. But I can't always guess that. I've never been very good at coloring but it looks really good so far.

I think, when I'm done at the post office and mall today I'm just going to lay in bed. Just lay there.

No, I'll probably fall asleep lol

恋してるなんて言えない~koishiteru nante ienai~

Today was my first Thursday off from work due to my manager deciding to cut my hours because I move too slow on busy days. To be honest, I'm glad she did. I felt more productive than I have all semester. I was originally planning to sleep a lot, considering I DO need it, but I just have so much work to do. 13 lines of a Korean skit I need memorized by Tuesday, a 7page paper due on the 9th of December, a Natural Disasters exam on Wednesday, and rewriting 2 Japanese essays for Monday. Okay, all I did today was memorize 2 lines, go to the library in search of books for the paper, and study Accounting for a time. Due to a certain Asian, I realized that I need to try harder too. I'm reading the chapters all over hoping I can get lucky on the final. I know I'm not going to fail the class no matter what but, I don't want my GPA to drop too much. I like my 3.2 :)

Speaking of searching for books in the library, I came across this old, falling apart book on the shelf. I had it's own special box to put it in, that's how much in bad condition it's in. The book is called, "Korea's Fight For Freedom" published in 1920. I was skimming though the first few pages and it got me very interested in it. It's about all the bad things the Japanese did on Korea during ~1886-1919, something like that. But what threw me away is that this book was written while these things were still occurring in Korea. For some reason it just blew me away. I felt like I was reading something and like stepped back in time or something and I felt really bad for Korea. It's hard to explain. But if it wasn't for this paper and having to go through more books I would take the time to read this entire thing. It's amazing. I saw some other very interesting books as well, just on Japan or China-Japan relations. So many were there... I think next semester I just might read something for the hell of it.

I think I've gained an addiction.
Hercules.

I know, I haven't watched it recently but if I sat down and put it on I'd go crazy. I need to buy this movie and I reallyyyy want the Japanese version too!♥ I have an urge to go watch it now..

There was a crazy stain on my blanket. Crazy. It looks like someone left a piss streak right in the middle of it. However I smelled it and it doesn't smell like anything, and it wasn't damp. I showed it to Chen and he says it's cum. No. It was wide and like clearly looked like a fat paintbrush could have done it, it was literally a PERFECT streak. I washed it today though so I'm hoping it's not there anymore. If it is, well then I know it's a stain, and that my blanket is clean. Heaviest load of laundry I've ever carried to and from Alumni quad. Tired. But...

Hercules is calling my name.

It's one of those cute Disney love films you need to watch with a guy. I have two people in mind. Neither will be able to do so with me unfortunately. :)

As if it was snowing

Way too tired than normal. Probably due to extra vitamin A.
In need of a new phone, mine is starting to lose its charging capability.
Heat loss in the apartment. Too old this place is and we can't even plug in electric space heaters (at least more than 1) due to the fact our fuse will blow.
Gaining weight, gaining weight, gaining weight.

I started a new project and I'm so far having fun with it.
It's only been a week so who knows how well it will continue but if I have the determination I think I can continue it. I have the determination right now, hopefully I can keep that up as well.

This year, somehow, feels really empty. Unpromising. I don't know what I was entirely expecting but it's just such a disappointment. It's not my classes, really. Or how I'm not doing as good as I would like to with grades; I'm not sure how to explain it. It just feels empty. Maybe I miss living on campus and having a roommate. Nothing feels exciting here. And my life just consists of going to school, going back home, sleep, work, finding time to go grocery shopping, finding time to do laundry at the alumni dorms, etc. I don't think I've realized how lonely this lifestyle is until now.

Talk about a depressing blog.

Pluses about this lifestyle; having your own room is nice most of the days I suppose, eating whatever you want, I like taking a bus to school, being able to move around in the morning without worrying about waking anyone up, having more money for spending, being able to take more than 1 bus home from the mall without worrying about it being over crowded, being able to turn up the heat in winter, not having annoying, loud suitemates.

I suppose it's good and bad.
But if I didn't have to worry about wanting to pay less for college.. I wonder which lifestyle I would have chosen. Probably the dorm.. It's just an fulfilling life in this moment.

Breathe in, Breathe out

It's been like two months now since I've posted my last blog here... wow. What happened to my beginning determination? haha

So much has happened within those past two months too.

But what's the point in going back to them?
This entire week has been driving me crazy. Work, studies, love, I can't hardly begin to go into details. I'm becoming wayy too tired as well. I bet Eason is getting pretty upset with me falling asleep in his class haha. He's so boring. And it just has to be a 4:15 class. I want to be done with classes by then. Next semester my line up looks good though. Lets see..

Advanced Japanese II (M,W,F) 2:45-3:40
History of Japan II (M,W,F) 1:40-2:35
Intermediate Korean II (M,W) 10:25-11:35 (T,TH) 10:15-11:35
Introduction to Linguistics (T,TH) 1:15-2:35 (F) 12:35-1:30
Computer Applicants in Business (T,TH) 11:45-1:05

As you can see I'm pretty much done everyday by 4 so that's good. Only problem is, I don't know where to fit in my work-study hours. So, I think I'm going to have to do 4 hours worth on Friday considering my classes begin in the afternoon. And then I should be fine for my job at Sushi Tei, only thing is I have to leave right from school now (which suckks) but it can't be helped. I have to learn how to manage my time better too. This semester is going terrible, no joke. If it wasn't for Japanese, which is unbelievably EASY, and possibly for Korean as well, my grades would be slipping a lot. Classes are just too hard right now and I can't find the time for sleep and study. But I'm managing somehow lol.

Also, I hate accounting. If you don't need to take it for your major/minor DON'T TAKE IT. You will regret it.

Current addictions: Secondhand Serenade and 下一站，幸福.
I can't stop listening to the band. And the Chinese is a Taiwanese drama known as "Autumn's Concerto" in English. Liang Mu Cheng (Ady An) is sooo pretty, I love her hair too♥ I want it lol
But the drama is a MUST WATCH. I'm currently up to ep. 17 (out of 21) and it's a beautiful love story. The soundtrack is very nice as well, I want to download it :)

I suppose I should start doing homework now.. fml