I've admitted it. I can't live without him. Every day I drive myself crazy wanting to talk to him, hoping to see his face again, just thinking about him I break down. With him gone, I feel like a huge chunk of me has disappeared. Even if I do get to talk to him everyday and share the same laughs and smiles with each other, knowing that it's nothing more than a friendly conversation doesn't do me any good. It's only a temporary high to get me through the rest of the day or to give me a good night's sleep. I'm so empty knowing my feelings won't reach his heart. I can tell him over and over how much I still care for him, how I'll continue to care for him throughout this year separated, but the way I want him to feel isn't exchanged back to me. I know he cares about me somewhere in his heart, but it's nothing more than caring. Being a really close friend isn't what I hoped for. Throughout these months I really considered this as going back to the beginning. Trying to get close to each other again just like in November 2009. The only problem is, I have too many memories I can't just let go of. And... it shouldn't take eight months to figure out you like someone... But if I even stand a chance, I won't know until then. And then I may never see him again even after that. He'll go away again, and leave me again.
What I've learned during these past four months is that I really do love him. If I've ever questioned myself about it before I know it's for real now. The problem is, love can never take you all the way. You can love someone so much but that alone can't make them happy. I've learned that. I thought I shown my love in many different ways. I took time to send him letters, make things, write my feelings for him (the good and bad), become interested in things that he is, and write 101 memories together. I've never received a letter back... I've never received a card... I asked for a letter, just a single letter... it was one of the things I've always wanted in a relationship; a letter from the person you care about from another country. I've never received anything. I'm not worth the trip to the post office.
I've been single since October. We never made it for a year.
The day he told me it was over I couldn't believe it. I never knew how much he started to dislike me, he never showed any negative emotion the weeks beforehand. I wonder sometimes if it was really my fault to begin with then. It was sudden, when he told me all the reasons for doing this.
If I'm single, I need to start acting it. Because I'm in love with someone who refuses to love me until his year abroad is over. If I've been ignorant for most of my life, I think I can recognize ignorance from others as well.
Today needs to be the day I fix myself. I can't do this to myself anymore. He's not a bad guy, he's worth every effort I've put into trying to have him back in my life. But we're aren't complicated, we're not separated. He told me he's single, he told me it's over. I'm playing a game that won't end until I see junior year. The days I think I've gotten closer don't mean anything to him. It's always the same answer.
I love him. I'll always love him.
I made wishes, and I thought I'd hope for the best once the new year started at midnight. But maybe this is what I need to be a stronger person. I need to stop sending my feelings across the distance because they aren't registering on the other line.
I'm still going to be here. I'm still going to be waiting.
Even though I'm waiting, I don't want to pray everyday that maybe today would be the day I wouldn't have to wait anymore. I know already he'll never tell me.
I honestly don't think I'm good enough for him. Our personalities don't match. I'm not attractive enough.
But the fact that I love him will never change. I just need to be stronger and find a way without him for these next eight months. It's not going to be easy, but... he's not worth the constant crying over. Not anymore, for now.
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