Worth your while

Today is the worst I've felt ever since I came back to Albany. My mind just freezes, and I don't feel like saying anything. It's uncomfortable. And I don't know what to do.

I got my haircut this morning. I went to a place in the mall, "Tulio", and they did a good job. At first I hated it, how she did my bangs, but then I got home and realized I didn't look as bad as I thought.

I spent the rest of the day laying in bed.
I'm weak. This year I'm trying to be stronger but it doesn't change how I really am. Putting up a strong front is really the best I can do. Accept things the way they are is another thing I can do. But I'm still weak. I can put the facts in front of me and say "okay, This is how it is. I have to let it be," but then I'll have a fit inside myself. Or more of a struggle to accept what I accepted on the outside.

I had a bad feeling ever since I lost my heart locket for my necklace. I knew it became missing for some reason... it was like an omen really.

I lost.
To be honest, I kinda knew this would happen. Being apart from one person while spending lots of time with other people would mix things up. Affections develop, how could it be avoided? It happens all the time. Again, another strong front. But what else should I do? The best right now would be for me to stop everything I was doing. The last thing I want to do is give him more pain with my presence lingering around. Why should I stop him from finding someone great? Someone that is much closer to him? I lost. And, I needed to know that before I could stop everything. Now I can say... there's nothing left to try for.

I'm not very good at offering things. I can't offer smarts, beauty, money, etc. At times I think I can't even offer a solid friendship. But I knew I was good at loving someone when given the chance. But in the past I kinda failed at that too. But I know ever since last summer that changed. I tried, and it was worth it. I enjoyed doing everything I could for something I knew was less than a 50% chance of success. I don't regret it, and it wasn't a waste of my time. He wasn't. I don't care if he tells me he's wasn't worth my time. I won't believe it. And that's the honest truth, not a strong front. It doesn't change my memories I have and the happiness that came with them.

Love is the most difficult emotion. But it's thrown around a lot. I hate that with some people. With something so powerful it should be treated seriously, and I think I've experienced that seriousness. It's trial and error, that's all I can really say. The more serious you take it, the more you'll realize if this one is the right one for you. One day I'll be able to do it again, and find someone who will take this emotion seriously with me again.

I'm weak, but I don't regret anything.