It's not always good to look for an answer or a reason. That's one of the things I've learned these past two days. Somethings are just better not knowing and would be best to just forget the things you know. Even if you know some things, some sort of information that can change everything you ever thought of... sometimes it's just better not to know. Maybe I'm here just trying to blindly make an excuse for something because I don't want to hear the truth but, there are many times when I feel... everything is okay. Maybe something did happen, and that things could have possibly changed from that, but... there's still that possibility that everything is still okay.
Something happened with a friend today. Her boyfriend broke up with her. He said the reasons, but I felt like it was his excuse. Maybe it could have been true, but it still is... I don't know how to put my feelings into this correctly to explain.
I don't want to give up.
The scary thing is... he's a senior. No, he technically already graduated. And that really scares me... a lot. It scared me ever since I knew he was going abroad. It's a reason why I thought that first night, "this is a bad idea". Because seeing what happened to them right now makes me feel that it's so ironic. It's really ironic that relationships end once someone graduates. It's why I hope, and continue to hope that if/when I find someone, they'll still want to try throughout distance of a few states or cities. Or if I find someone in Hong Kong, if there's anyone nice enough, they'll wait for me. Because I will come back. I don't want to live in America anyway so... if there's someone who truly wants me, I'll come back to them.
But I'm hoping that won't be the case, at least not yet. I'm hoping I can still work out what I've started here. And if I can work it out, things will carry on from there. As long as I can live happy, I won't complain about where I am.
On other sides,
me and Shigeru did a good job cleaning the kitchen before he left back to Japan. He also found me the last volume of the Sailor V manga for my collection for me at BookOff :) I was really happy. He said he'll look for the rest of my missing Sailor Moon mangas too when he goes to a used bookstore again. My collection will be complete someday.
And then I cleaned the bathroom all by myself. It was really dirty. Really really dirty. It made me feel like a real housewife haha, I've never really cleaned so much in a long time. But it was rewarding, and now that I can 1) step on a clean floor and 2) know that I'm in a clean, disgusting-free bathroom is a great feeling. And once all the furniture and shit gets out of the living room I can clean that up better too. I just need Pheebe to move out so I can throw it all in that room and for Kevin to move his stuff out too. It'll be very nice to live here this upcoming year I think.
I also went to the Colonie Center Mall by myself yesterday but I sat at the bus stop for an hour because I was confused on where I was getting picked up and ended up missing the 90bus back to campus. So I took the 1bus when it came... almost an hour later. Well, now I know.
That has been my week so far, and I'm off today and tomorrow from any work.
I'm really trying to be a better person. I really am. It's just hard to figure out what I'm doing wrong. But I think I've improved as an individual. After hearing that's what happened to them, I don't want to screw up anymore. I think too much with my heart other than head but I think it's true for everyone when I say:
I want to make people happy too.
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