Vanilla wafers soaked in milk must be the greatest dessert I've ever experimented with ♥

I've been happier these past two days.

It's not always good to look for an answer or a reason. That's one of the things I've learned these past two days. Somethings are just better not knowing and would be best to just forget the things you know. Even if you know some things, some sort of information that can change everything you ever thought of... sometimes it's just better not to know. Maybe I'm here just trying to blindly make an excuse for something because I don't want to hear the truth but, there are many times when I feel... everything is okay. Maybe something did happen, and that things could have possibly changed from that, but... there's still that possibility that everything is still okay.

Something happened with a friend today. Her boyfriend broke up with her. He said the reasons, but I felt like it was his excuse. Maybe it could have been true, but it still is... I don't know how to put my feelings into this correctly to explain.

I don't want to give up.
The scary thing is... he's a senior. No, he technically already graduated. And that really scares me... a lot. It scared me ever since I knew he was going abroad. It's a reason why I thought that first night, "this is a bad idea". Because seeing what happened to them right now makes me feel that it's so ironic. It's really ironic that relationships end once someone graduates. It's why I hope, and continue to hope that if/when I find someone, they'll still want to try throughout distance of a few states or cities. Or if I find someone in Hong Kong, if there's anyone nice enough, they'll wait for me. Because I will come back. I don't want to live in America anyway so... if there's someone who truly wants me, I'll come back to them.

But I'm hoping that won't be the case, at least not yet. I'm hoping I can still work out what I've started here. And if I can work it out, things will carry on from there. As long as I can live happy, I won't complain about where I am.


On other sides,
me and Shigeru did a good job cleaning the kitchen before he left back to Japan. He also found me the last volume of the Sailor V manga for my collection for me at BookOff :) I was really happy. He said he'll look for the rest of my missing Sailor Moon mangas too when he goes to a used bookstore again. My collection will be complete someday.

And then I cleaned the bathroom all by myself. It was really dirty. Really really dirty. It made me feel like a real housewife haha, I've never really cleaned so much in a long time. But it was rewarding, and now that I can 1) step on a clean floor and 2) know that I'm in a clean, disgusting-free bathroom is a great feeling. And once all the furniture and shit gets out of the living room I can clean that up better too. I just need Pheebe to move out so I can throw it all in that room and for Kevin to move his stuff out too. It'll be very nice to live here this upcoming year I think.

I also went to the Colonie Center Mall by myself yesterday but I sat at the bus stop for an hour because I was confused on where I was getting picked up and ended up missing the 90bus back to campus. So I took the 1bus when it came... almost an hour later. Well, now I know.

That has been my week so far, and I'm off today and tomorrow from any work.

I'm really trying to be a better person. I really am. It's just hard to figure out what I'm doing wrong. But I think I've improved as an individual. After hearing that's what happened to them, I don't want to screw up anymore.  I think too much with my heart other than head but I think it's true for everyone when I say:

I want to make people happy too.

Only when you smile :)

Working out is like a highlight of my day. I had to cancel today's because Austin didn't get out of his meeting till late and I didn't want to walk to Alumni at 9pm and come back at like 10ish. Next day to work out will be Thursday or Friday; most likely Friday. He does fencing on Thursdays I think. Fencing... that is just so freaking cool. I should join too...

Last week I spent $60 on DS games. Do I regret it? Absolutely not! The first game I bought "Okami Den" is the sequal to the PS2 game Okami and since I loveddd it sooo much I knew I would like the DS version too. Then the other game I got "9 Hours, 9 People, 9 Doors" I've been looking at for awhile now and it's like a mystery game where it's like you're reading a story and you have to solve puzzles (I totally have my two main characters forming a relationship in the game ;) since you can choose what things you want to do and what words to say also; awesomeee). It's the first game I've played like this but this game is rated 9/10 and it's like a physiological, horror visual novel thing. I'm completely focused on it. I. CANNOT. STOP. PLAYING. IT. It's reallyyyy good!!



My main reason to buy these two games, regardless of how much I was spending, was because I love my DS but every time I buy a game I regret it to an utmost extreme if it really sucks. I knew I would like these games and I really want to use my DS more and I need some new distractions in my life. So I figured in the end it was a good investment. Only bad part is that it's not distracting me away from the computer like I hoped... instead I'm playing it during breaks in between classes. fml.

In any case, my DS is getting proper use again :) That makes me have a good feeling. One day I will finally buy Mario Kart. One day.


I've been sick again, go figure. This entire year is just BLAH.
What's my disease this time?
Possibly worms.
Yeah, I know.

I'm a little creeped out at the entire idea but I've had some incidents where... well, that would just be getting into too much detail. But I'm in the process of getting my insurance company to allow me some stool sampling. I mean, right now as I type this blog I feel completely fine. Early however I was having serious stomach pains, and the past 3 days  there was just something... weird. I don't know. All I know is that there is definitely something wrong with me. And it's worrying me. Hopefully it'll just be a stage thing like my fungus situation. Like seriously, WTF. This year everything wants to try to like infect me and make me go into a coma or something stupid, I don't know. But it's annoying. And I'm tired of being sick.

Hence my life.

And entering in Japanese speech contest this year?
I'm crazy. And I feel my laziness wanting to take over again. But I can't do that. It's too late now. New sakubun about the recent disaster, here I come.

Love Song

I worked out today!!
Austin was like my training instructor and kept pushing me and made me do a bunch of stuff. It was awesome!

I was on the bike for like 20mins, some other standing like bike thing for 15mins, did 25 sit-ups on this slanted board thing which made it harder to do, did 30 drops with 5lb weights, and did some kind of lunge stretching kind of thing.... okay, not sure what the name was but it was for the lower stomach muscles. All in all, I feel happy about it. Unfortually all I'm doing is eating again right after I did so, but it still makes me feel sooo much better :D It's all for the spring/summer!!! My thighs are going to be sooo toned out! Then everyone will want a piece of thisss~~♥ AHAHAHAAAA!!!

lol No, I'm totally kidding about that. ;)

But it will be nice. To look so great in shorts, skirts, maybe a few dresses? That's what I need to buy, a few skirts. It's been so long since I've worn a skirt... last time I wore one was 3 years ago. It was a long one, but even then it was soo weird to feel the wind, you know... there. Not that it was bad or anything, but I just wasn't used to it.

I really can't wait till it gets so warm out I won't need to wear a jacket, buy some light, spring clothes, nice sandals (like the heeled ones, I want white!), you know; the whole attire♥


I think back to last year, and of something I said to Melissa. I planned to change for a certain person, for him to notice me and hope that he'd become interested in me not as "sex", but as a possible girlfriend the next time. Because I did like him, and he was very assertive, something I always found as one attractive quality. But the point is here, I told her I was going to change. I made a promise to myself I would, and when I ran into her the multiple times on campus looking nice, she always says to me, "I remember that day you told me you were going to change your clothing and appearance, and I'm so proud of you because you actually did it and you look BEAUTIFUL." Not word for word, but pretty much along the same context. And every time she says that to me, I can only give the biggest smile. Because I DID do it. The initial change was for that Korean guy. Never completely fell through however, until the Chinese man showed up.

I'm going to keep on exercising. I'm going to do it for myself so I have something to look forward to next year if things happen to fall out of play. As I look back on my old self, the multi-colorful freshman girl, who seemed to be lost in fashion, has finally made it somewhere. I'm proud of myself. I'm somewhere I hoped to be from the beginning of last semester.

I can't wait till the sun shines, with rays strong enough to heat up the skin.
I'll sit on the podium again and meet random people.
I'll be able to complain about it being too hot and then search for a shady place on the podium instead, only to move back into the sun when I'm too cold in the shade lol.
I'll be looking good, and happy :)

I'll hold on to this moment; there's no way, I won't let this go

Shitty past two weeks.
Japan in ruins.
No sleep.
Exams and stress build up.
Overreactions.
Mistakes.

Today is March, 15th, 2011.

I'm tired right now. Very tired. And want to pass out.
It's raining right now. I love the rain. To be able to lay in your bed, quiet, staring at the ceiling or just closing your eyes, and listen... I think that would be considered one of my hobbies. Add someone laying there with me in the mix and the moment becomes perfect.

But as I listen to this rain all I can think about is the black rain that falls down in Hitachi, Ibaraki. A city on an island, recovering from a disaster. All of my friends are in trouble. Even if they write me back that they are fine and that everything is okay, it's only natural for them to say that. But my host sister has been telling me the truth, and she hasn't been telling 大丈夫.

Friday March 11, 2011

Japan is hit with a 8.9 earthquake causing enormus tremors along the northeast and tsunamis soon after. The epicenter was off the coast near Sendai, but the city is now in ruins, thousands now dead. Nuclear power plants having cooling failures, explosions, fires, and the worst of them all, radiation leaks. Another Chernobyl incident on its way? Many say highly unlikely.  All I can say is I pray that it doesn't turn out that way.

I have a few number of people I'm worried about. So far everyone I was able to contact is safe. He's also leaving the country to Hong Kong. I kinda wish he could have come back to America but as long as he is able to get away and be somewhere safe, I'm glad. Besides, I'm pretty sure he's happy to go back to Hong Kong for a little bit. He does have family there and he grew up there. If I was in his shoes I'd be excited.

I've been watching the news, mainly CNN and I would turn back to some Japanese stations here and there but CNN has been my main source so far. The plant issue looks worse and worse everyday I wake up. I'm not sure what will happen to be honest. It seems now it's a 50/50 shot at being positive or negative.

On a side note, my middle school/early high school love is coming out with a new album :)

Sum 41

I heard a few tracks, and they're really making a comeback. It's been quite a long time since they last released anything.

I want to write more but now's not the greatest time. I'm tired. So so tired.

But I hope everyone is praying for the people of Japan. There are a lot of scumbags out there who think they have a right to say stupid things about how Japan deserved this and shit, and you know what, they're just dicks. They're still humans and any tragedy with deaths as much as what we've seen these past four days you should feel remorse for the dead. Or maybe you should have been in that quake. Fucking scumbags.

with his arm extended out ready to grasp his diming heart

It's been awhile since I posted, so I figured I'd get back into the habit again. It's just crazy, my head. There's just so much stuff to worry about, so many things I'm thinking about, I haven't been in a good mood, but I do feel somewhat a little better today.

Japanese class wants to kill me. I told myself, "If I don't get an A I'm taking 300 level all over again". That's a little crazy but I can't take it anymore. How the heck am I going to do what I dream to do or even be where I want to be if I don't start taking it more seriously? It's honestly not a thing about just passing the class and get it out of my way, finish my major, whatever that bullshit; it's not for that reason at all. I mean... even if I get that A I'm still going to audit in the class. However.... an A is impossible now..... that last listening test.... fuck.

I can't say that it hasn't made me more motivated and after her "inspirational" speech to the failing members of the class, I felt my heart literally stabbed. Crushed by a rock isn't good enough. Someone literally pierced my chest with a dagger and rotated the blade inside me. Enough of the visuals but that's what it felt like. I'm not bad at Japanese. I hold perfectly normal conversations all the time. I blame it on my lack of vocab. That's all I can do. Not much more to say on that matter.

I started using my KeyHole TV again. It might not help much but when I have the time I'll watch a variety show or the news and write down all the kanji that's not blurry on the screen that I don't know and look them up later. Then when I'm online doing whatever I'll put it on and just listen to it in the background if I don't want to watch it. I figured this way I'd learn new words and be able to put attention into my listening skills again. I listen to Japanese music all the time but I noticed that after some time I didn't care about actually listening to the lyrics of the song and just listened to it. That doesn't help me and listening to music is really different from natural speech anyway.

I know this semester is a disaster just like last semester. It's just somehow I've grown accustomed to just not giving as much a shit anymore. I do admit though.... just last week I made a mistake. I was in such a terrible mood I vented out some topics on a piece of paper and now it's somewhere I don't want it to be anymore. I can't do anything about it anymore other than just forget it exists.

But in any case, I am doing better.

I suppose the semester isn't over just yet, I guess I can bring it all back together somehow. I'm not completely helpless, I just rather not.... not sure what word I'm looking for here exactly.

I really wish the snow would go away though. It would be really nice to sit out on campus in the sun like I always used to. The sun's heat, it's a happy feeling. Maybe I'm meant to live in a summer environment. Even though I enjoy winter, nothing else can be better than being surrounded by green.

Scenes from black and white film

I have time before I'm off to the bank. Turns out I had three checks I needed to deposit and then my $120 in cash. Total? $988.11 :D
Sure, I feel a little rich, but subtract $110 for the utilities bill and plus I've had quite a spending myself this past week. I bought myself a $3 movie, and a $24 Fatal Frame game, $21 boots, $53 Chinese book, food, Walmart trips, etc.etc.etc... yeah. My spending needs to STOP like today actually :)

So in order to look better and still lose weight for the spring while saving money to buy new pretty spring/summer clothes (I needddd thoseee♥) I'm eating cheap yet healthy in the same way while going to the gym. Once or twice every week I'm going to the gym with Austin on alumni. I was supposed to start last week with that but we didn't realize alumni was closing so soon with Winter Break. So, it's going to start this week. Target: MY THIGHS. Too big big big.

Breakfast, consists of oatmeal - no sugar. I'm trying to lower my sugar intake so I have two tall jugs of plain oatmeal. Think about it for a second, oatmeal fills you up GREAT. So if I eat a nice sized portion of that every morning I won't be hungry for lunch. Duh, it makes perfect sense!! I'm currently adding shredded sweetened coconut flakes in it to make up for the lack of sugar, and also adding imitation vanilla extract too!! However I need to spend $5 every week :'( See, I can't stay awake for Lingustics so I need to buy a small coffee before that class every Tuesday and Thursday, UNLESS I get a meal swipe into a dinning hall (which happens from time to time) then I'll just drink like two glasses of coffee there and I'll be set. I did however buy a pack of cookies to bring to class with coffee because I always get tempted to eat with coffee. But all I need to do is bring three those days and I'm good.

Dinner/lunch, if I need to eat lunch that is, but I'm on a ramen diet. Before anyone freaks on me, I'm eating ramen the most healthiest way I can. I'm not mixing in the MSG packets and after I boil the ramen I'm dumping out the water in it then rinsing the ramen with fresh water and draining that. From there I'm mixing in my own flavoring. These are soy sauce with sesame oil, sweet and sour sauce, or ponzu sauce. One day I'll probably buy teriyaki sauce too but that's all what I have for now. Oh yeah, I have some Thai sweet chili sauce yet ♥ Ramen also has like no calories, it's really all in the MSG packets they give you, so losing weight here I come!! Low calorie intake!!

I still am buying rice and frozen vegetables but I just won't be eating them as often. But I need some kind of variety right? So no worries.

Since I'm clearly at a fruit malnutrition, either I'll buy a bag of clementines from time to time or when I get swiped into the dinning hall I'll just grab like seven or nine apples to take home, you know, for the week LOL.

I've got this though.
I'm setting myself up for the spring, I've got my reasons why. I guess the main message is, if I'm happy about myself I'll be happier with my life as a whole. Save money, eat somewhat right, exercise. Then when I get out of these winter bundles, I'll be more free to expression. 'Cause all I care about now is keeping warm! XD

I'm still doing this for you, you stupid. Whether you want me to or not, we've both changed. I really think we'll learn to appreciate each other better when you return. A year apart really changes everything... I think when we get back on track, we'll be stronger. It's why I'm not giving up on you just yet. I know something good will come out of all of this. I just know it. I'm not going to let you down. Please feel better soon. I miss seeing your smile on webcam :)

Talking to the Moon...

He's at it again.
I don't know why he's not giving up.

I made it clear that I wasn't interested. And then he has to give me a lecture on what I'm doing is stupid? What the fuck... I don't care about your fucking opinion. I don't like you and I don't want to date you.

I told them both I won't give it away.
The other guy is too shy to say anything to me about getting lunch or meeting anymore after he gave me Valentine's Day chocolates. I never returned the thank you in a proper way. But I think he understands.

However this other guy just pisses me off more and more. I hate when people bad talk Wien like that. They don't know him, they can't dare tell me how much of an asshole he is. I'll decide that for myself. I just don't understand how many times I have to tell this guy that I've decided to wait. How many times I have to tell him my heart is still taken. It's not ready to find another home yet. He just really pissed me off just now... Everything he had to say to me just had to cut deep like that. Who the fuck does he think he is...

Leave me alone.
I'm not interested in you.
I'll never be interested in you.
I only want one guy, and he's not you.