Scenes from black and white film

I have time before I'm off to the bank. Turns out I had three checks I needed to deposit and then my $120 in cash. Total? $988.11 :D
Sure, I feel a little rich, but subtract $110 for the utilities bill and plus I've had quite a spending myself this past week. I bought myself a $3 movie, and a $24 Fatal Frame game, $21 boots, $53 Chinese book, food, Walmart trips, etc.etc.etc... yeah. My spending needs to STOP like today actually :)

So in order to look better and still lose weight for the spring while saving money to buy new pretty spring/summer clothes (I needddd thoseee♥) I'm eating cheap yet healthy in the same way while going to the gym. Once or twice every week I'm going to the gym with Austin on alumni. I was supposed to start last week with that but we didn't realize alumni was closing so soon with Winter Break. So, it's going to start this week. Target: MY THIGHS. Too big big big.

Breakfast, consists of oatmeal - no sugar. I'm trying to lower my sugar intake so I have two tall jugs of plain oatmeal. Think about it for a second, oatmeal fills you up GREAT. So if I eat a nice sized portion of that every morning I won't be hungry for lunch. Duh, it makes perfect sense!! I'm currently adding shredded sweetened coconut flakes in it to make up for the lack of sugar, and also adding imitation vanilla extract too!! However I need to spend $5 every week :'( See, I can't stay awake for Lingustics so I need to buy a small coffee before that class every Tuesday and Thursday, UNLESS I get a meal swipe into a dinning hall (which happens from time to time) then I'll just drink like two glasses of coffee there and I'll be set. I did however buy a pack of cookies to bring to class with coffee because I always get tempted to eat with coffee. But all I need to do is bring three those days and I'm good.

Dinner/lunch, if I need to eat lunch that is, but I'm on a ramen diet. Before anyone freaks on me, I'm eating ramen the most healthiest way I can. I'm not mixing in the MSG packets and after I boil the ramen I'm dumping out the water in it then rinsing the ramen with fresh water and draining that. From there I'm mixing in my own flavoring. These are soy sauce with sesame oil, sweet and sour sauce, or ponzu sauce. One day I'll probably buy teriyaki sauce too but that's all what I have for now. Oh yeah, I have some Thai sweet chili sauce yet ♥ Ramen also has like no calories, it's really all in the MSG packets they give you, so losing weight here I come!! Low calorie intake!!

I still am buying rice and frozen vegetables but I just won't be eating them as often. But I need some kind of variety right? So no worries.

Since I'm clearly at a fruit malnutrition, either I'll buy a bag of clementines from time to time or when I get swiped into the dinning hall I'll just grab like seven or nine apples to take home, you know, for the week LOL.

I've got this though.
I'm setting myself up for the spring, I've got my reasons why. I guess the main message is, if I'm happy about myself I'll be happier with my life as a whole. Save money, eat somewhat right, exercise. Then when I get out of these winter bundles, I'll be more free to expression. 'Cause all I care about now is keeping warm! XD

I'm still doing this for you, you stupid. Whether you want me to or not, we've both changed. I really think we'll learn to appreciate each other better when you return. A year apart really changes everything... I think when we get back on track, we'll be stronger. It's why I'm not giving up on you just yet. I know something good will come out of all of this. I just know it. I'm not going to let you down. Please feel better soon. I miss seeing your smile on webcam :)

Talking to the Moon...

He's at it again.
I don't know why he's not giving up.

I made it clear that I wasn't interested. And then he has to give me a lecture on what I'm doing is stupid? What the fuck... I don't care about your fucking opinion. I don't like you and I don't want to date you.

I told them both I won't give it away.
The other guy is too shy to say anything to me about getting lunch or meeting anymore after he gave me Valentine's Day chocolates. I never returned the thank you in a proper way. But I think he understands.

However this other guy just pisses me off more and more. I hate when people bad talk Wien like that. They don't know him, they can't dare tell me how much of an asshole he is. I'll decide that for myself. I just don't understand how many times I have to tell this guy that I've decided to wait. How many times I have to tell him my heart is still taken. It's not ready to find another home yet. He just really pissed me off just now... Everything he had to say to me just had to cut deep like that. Who the fuck does he think he is...

Leave me alone.
I'm not interested in you.
I'll never be interested in you.
I only want one guy, and he's not you.

otona ppoi kanjiru

I've decided that from here on out I'm going to stop posting my new blogs onto Facebook. If anyone is really that interested in continuing to read these I'm afraid I have to ask you to please subscribe or check up on it every so often. I'm not looking for any attention, this is just something I do to let off some stress and speak my lingering thoughts. So, I apologize for any inconvenience.

I've noticed something recently.
I'm more mature than I thought I was. At least, when I think of how other people currently are or hear stories of how others were, I realize that I skipped being a stupid teen, a dumb college student, and I just want my future already. I'm not sure if it's a good thing. In a way I see it as because seeing immature people who can't take things seriously or do stupid things because they're "in college" just begins to make me mad. I never say a word to them, but I can't help but think it. But then again I wonder if I'm just being overly jealous. Maybe I wish I could be immature, maybe I wish I could just jump to any guy I wished, get drunk, and just have a good time. I can't completely say I'm mature anyway, that would just be ignorant. I am pretty ignorant. Who am I kidding.

Watching some movies, reading some fanfiction, I feel like I can relate more to that feeling of an adult than that of a stupid nineteen-year old. I don't feel like I care about others like a usual outgoing/party female college student. I feel like me and every other guy around me are completely different. It's not the issue if they like me or not, whether or not I want to try something new, I can't see anyone worthy anymore. I look around and see no serious guys. I see college and the unnecessary things that come with it. I'm not sure what to say about anything. What to think.

I'm being irrational right now. But it's not just a sudden spur of the moment thought. I'm being awfully biased, I'm being awfully.... inexcusable.

I remember back when I was in high school, I never thought of anything serious, really. I watched something and never noticed the significance or the real emotions poured out onto some matter. I always thought, "Awe, that's really cute. One day I hope to do something like that." But as I re-watch or watch new things now, I see something almost completely different. Maybe that's otona ppoi. The whole idea of just growing up for good now seems so much more exciting and rewarding. To actually be able to share your life with someone who cares about you and being able to smile when they come home every night after work. I don't know.... I'm just a little tired of being.... nineteen. It's still the age when I'm not supposed to be mature. I didn't want to get older or leave my teens but now I'm just sick of it. I just want to finish college and share some kind of life with a mature person. I just want to be at that point where it's right for me to be mature.

There's always something in way.
But I won't complain to anyone. I'm being irrational. My paragraphs can make others mad. I'm in a more mature state than I want to be. But I don't feel comfortable being any other way.

I'm sorry.

Hello Valentine ♥

It's Valentine's Day today!!! (well, it was lol)

I was excited when I woke up even though I don't have a date, or a Valentine, or technically a boyfriend. Quite sad really. But nonetheless I was happy, I was excited, I was ready for this Valentine's Day! I even sold a dog today!!! If I sell another dog on Wednesday or just lots and lots of supplies I'm looking at mad commission here!!! Who wants a $500 paycheck? FUCKING YES ME!!!!!!!

I'm sooo tired but I need to post this blog because of it's significance.

I spent the night watching episode 5 of 下一站, 幸福 and enjoyed a bowl of curry, assorted chocolates bought for myself, and chocolate covered cherries I received at work from a certain Asian in my class. Food was great and now I just can't wait to lay in my bed and sleep with my teddy bears, technically I bought the yellow one for a certain Chinese boy, butttt, as you can see he's not going to receive it until he comes back. Okay, lets just say I bought myself a teddy bear. I suck. haha but hey, the top of the bear's head smells like chocolate yepyep. I had to eat curry though. Stupid boy... it reminds me of you. It reminds me of how you lured me into your apartment because you said you had curry. I was used by the mention of curry. CURRY!! That's really sad. But I love curry :'(

This Valentine's Day couldn't have topped last year's of course. Sure, I have no one to lay next to this year (-cries-) but last year was just.... a little too crazy. I think back on it and I wonder how the hell I persuaded myself to allow/suggest such a thing. Never again... lol. I honestly will not repeat anything from the past now that I've discovered that suddenly random people are reading my blogs haha.

I've been though so much shit these past few months. You'd think that I deserve a Valentine's Day worth a good man or something. But you know what, I get depressed, I get upset, I get sad, I complain, I cry, I do tons of stupid things because I feel like he's never here for me many times. But then when I try to ignore him or hate him or try to get over him, I can't. Because he is here for me, just in his very insensitive way. There's times I say he's not worth my time and then there's days like now I praise him for being everything he is. I get in my moods, but I honestly can't stay mad at him. I promised him I'd change, and I swear I'm doing it, but while I'm at a distance here it's sometimes hard to control myself. But if he was near me I'd be able to push those terrible thoughts aside.

Sure, I shouldn't be expecting him to come back to me in a few months. How could I? But I want to be here for him when he does come back. I'll hold him like I always did.

This Valentine's Day was still for him. I sent him a card and I thought about him (not that I don't everyday already but) and ate curry and going to hug the big bear he bought me last year tight in bed tonight. POINT IS, it wasn't a crappy day like I expected. And.... it made me really happy when he said he came to check up to see if I wanted him before he visited his teacher.... (which I totally was waiting for him and left a message lol)

See, don't tell me this guy isn't perfect?

If I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time for a good reason.

I don't care if we're "separated". I'm still drawn to you. Because you do and say all the right things.

I love you still, and you'll be my Valentine this year too, at least to myself I will believe that.

2/14/2011 ♥ You weren't  such a bad thing after all :)

"Our love is like as if we've drawn a chance card so that we can be together. It's just that we've come to draw this fate now. But the game hasn't ended yet, right? No matter what kind of fate it gives to us, as long as the game hasn't ended yet, we shouldn't give up. This way, we will have a chance at winning."

It's starting to hurt much more

I wish I could forget about him.



He's an asshole.
I know it must be true now.

I once told a story about a girl who wanted a second chance. She's still searching for that outstretched hand.

"I don't know what's going on anymore. Everything is spinning and everything keeps getting harder and harder. Whatever it was that I wanted this semester is pretty much impossible.
Unless I put things back together this winter break in two weeks... I'm going to fail. No doubt that I will. It's kinda sad too. I was so determined freshman year and now... nothing wants to be in my favor.
It's aggrevating, it's annoying, I just wish I could quit. But I know why I'm acting all mixed up. And it's killing me more and more. Right now... I don't know if I'm happy about anything anymore.
I worry about things I should learn to forget about. I'm an idiot. I've wasted my time. I could have been better.

Who am I?

I was the girl who was going to excel in three different languages.
I was the girl who used to daydream.
I was the girl who dreamed of great things and wished hard for love and success.
I was the girl who was always strong and independent.
I didn't need anything to be happy.
I didn't need anyone to make me smile.

Even if I list the things that kept me sane, that kept reminding me of why I came here, I'm feeling like I failed at trying my hardest. I failed at aiming for what I believed in.

I want another chance.
I want to start over.
This isn't me.
I'm not like this.
I care... I should be caring about myself more than anyone else.
I don't want to break anymore."

"At least... that's what I was thinking this morning.

I don't calm down or relax easily. I throw words out my mouth and then pound the keys of my keyboard as I type away any stress I have. I'm stressed. I'm so stressed right now. And I'm not the only one. I was walking with my friend for our usual weekly lunch/tea break and his girlfriend is in the same position I'm in, even worse. She's working full-time while tryng to manage really tough accounting classes and a business minor. He told me she even broke out it tears last night. I understand her. I completely do. Everytime I talk to family about my situation I feel more like shit. That's why I hate to say anything to them. I'm not supposed to show struggle. Not in front of them. But by the way things are going now, I need to catch up somehow. I need to catch up. What good is it if I fail at being everything I wanted to be? I'm no good in Korean but honestly I can care less about that right now because I really think that Chinese is more for me considering I love kanji/characters so much. However I do regret not taking it sooner. Now I have to wait until next year. But everything else... I lost my business minor, but I gained a major, a major I have no idea what's going on right now. Everything is just a mess. This morning I just wanted to... I just wanted forget today. Just lay in bed and forget it was a weekday. I wanted to sleep forever. But I would have regretted it so much. I'd just get more behind.

And why do they have to be upset with me?
I'm being forgetful. I'm busy. I don't have any time to listen or talk. There's just too many things on my mind that I just can't keep up with what you're doing either.
So get upset with me. You have no idea and I wouldn't tell you anyway. I'm not going back to PA. I'm not.

I think... everyone needs to leave me alone for a month or two.
I just need to be alone. Alone and I don't know... I just don't want to be so stressed out anymore. I'm scared about what's happening.

If I could get a hug, I think I wouldn't let go."



And that was about eight hours ago. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about my situation. By the end of the day I got some kind of courage to move and do something productive and cleaned my room. Not saying that I'm not stressed out or anything but I do feel better. I guess my surroundings were making me feel worse than I should have. Or maybe I'm just on a temporary high for the night. Not sure. I wish I could relieve it all somehow. But... maybe it's still possible to fix myself before winter break.

If I could ask you just to listen to me, just to listen, not to give an opinion, not to try to make me smile or laugh, I would be entirely grateful. Maybe next time.

I know this is the wrong foot

I'm so frustrated with everything anymore. With people, with work, with classes, with my life, I just can't focus on what to do anymore. I'm behind in my classes and I don't know where to begin. I think about one thing and then that's all I focus on and what I keep thinking about isn't what I should be thinking about right now. All my focus is going towards that one thing and I'm just losing my grip. I'm just so frustrated.

These past two weeks haven't been helpful to me, I'm not sure if the information I'm receiving is even a good thing, all I want to do is sleep, I'm tired of freaking out over my spending habits, I need a fucking break. I sit here and attend class, try to pay attention and smile as much as possible with a laugh here and there. But the truth is, every day that passes me by makes me more and more scared because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what I'm learning.

Everything is too much for me right now...
I just need a 3-4 day vacation where I can spend one of those days sleeping forever and the other two trying to catch up in my school work...

I need you to be here... I can't do this...

Sometimes I wonder..

February. Maybe the 14th is just another day, another number on the calendar, another day for people to get depressed, or another day that many others become lucky.

I could have been lucky. But last night I let the opportunity... well, I cut the tie. I denied it's existence and chose to continue the road that leads me to bits and pieces of what was but would never be again. It was probably a stupid move.. maybe I should...

But I'm just really scared.
Scared to lose the one thing I've continued to try to hold on for so long. Because I know he was everything to me, everything I've ever wanted, he was too good for me. I know I love him more than I ever thought I could. He was all I could have asked for.
Maybe that was the mistake. He was too good for someone who could never compare or be good to them back. Too good and forgiving to someone who'd never change and do stupid things time after time.

But maybe it's just because I still remember the way I looked at him when I watched him sleep, the way I'd look at him when we laid down and smiled at each other, the way he'd push me away when he complained that I was too hot when I tried to hug him under the covers, the way he looked down at me from above, the way he'd yell at me to turn around and rest my head on him when I decided to be mad and sleep the other way, the way we fought when he wanted the fan on and I wanted it off, the way I'd always hold his hand in every opportunity I had, the way I complained that he never did anything a real boyfriend would do for me, the way he'd always tickle me until I gave in, the way I'd poke his nose when he slept and then he'd make a weird face and turn in the other direction, the way I poked him anywhere I felt like it, the way I'd listen to him play the piano and guitar, the way I'd hid behind the giant teddy bear or blanket when he sang to me, the way I secretly take pictures of him whether he was awake or asleep, the way I'd watch him on the computer, the way we spent our winter days walking in the snow, the way I'd always meal swipe him Wendy's and call him a fatass for eating too much,

But what I miss the most are the times he'd tell me he loved me.

Why does he have to make things more complicated... why can't he see how much I'm still caring for him even from afar? Why doesn't he want me anymore the way we used to be? Why can I only be someone important, but not important enough to love back...