Tea is needed caffeine

Well, as I'm sure it's been heard, I got really sick these past few days resulting in terrible stomach pains, a massive headache, and almost passing out during work-study. As it seems to be, I've unknowingly been eating moldy bread for five days straight and it seems that when my body was getting rid of the nasty mold, I kept adding onto it making it much stronger. That's the conclusion I've come up with at least. I'm starting to feel a lot better now though; I was worried I'd have to go see a doctor but I think I'll survive :) It was kinda in a way my fault though lol

School has been going really great. I seem pretty interested in my classes so far, lets see

Korean 202
Japanese History II
Introduction to Lingusitics
Japanese 302
Translation of Japanese Modern Literature

The toughest class right now is the Modern Japanese Literature class with Fessler. We have to translate stories from like before the 1940s (Japanese at that point in time used now extinct kanji AND the hiragana reading/writing system was almost COMPLETELY different). It's a fun class, don't get me wrong but it's so amazingly difficult to translate these sentences. Sometimes it's an obvious meaning but it's just with these kinds of stories the author himself makes them have such strong meaning. Because the stories we get in the Japanese 302 class that we have to read, I have NO TROUBLE understanding them. 1940s and earlier Japanese... yeah. I for some reason didn't think the class was like this...lol.

I started to get addicted to a song called "Sorry That I Loved You" by Anthony Neely (倪安東). I wanted only that song but I was only able to find his album "Lesson One" (第一课) so I had to download it to get that song. And seriously, he is the MOST TALENTED Taiwanese man, no, the greatest artist on this planet. I spent the entire day listening to his album three times or more. Not to mention the uncounted time the day before. He's just incredible. His English is amazing and when he sings in it (listen to the song mentioned above) it makes you just melt. Every pitch, every note, he hits them just right. And the rest of his album is in Mandarin, and don't get me wrong, even those songs are to die for. Not to mention the guy is simply beautiful. He's a mix♥ His father is American while his mother is Taiwanese. You see, my babies are going to be so freaking beautiful♥ This is why I will have to marry an Asian. I'm going to have babies just like 倪安東 here.

 I love his album, he will become as famous as Jay Chou. He's got so much potential and it shows in his music. I'll learn Chinese just for him :) And he plays guitar ++++!!!!!♥♥♥ I can't help it, it's called addiction :)

Maybe I should go back to Ameba after doing this....

ブログは日本語でやろうと思った。アメバブログも持ってるんだけどそこはね....別に好きじゃない。英語でまだやるね。
まあ、日本語がわかんないの読んでくれてる人はちょっと残念けど。
 
春学期始まったよね。
嬉しいと思う。けど寝たいことやっぱり気がする。2日前からあたしが韓国語のクラスと一緒に受けてる韓国人はFacebookでチャットしてくれてる。なんかおかしいと思ったんだけど「たぶんその人は暇だよねきっと」って思った。昨日ビックリした。
「好きな人を探してるか？」ってゆってくれた
えっ、やばい。マジで.....

秋学期にこの人を初めて見たときカッコいいと思ったけど今、まあまあだ。
あたしのことに興味がある人がいるのがすごく嬉しいことなんて.....
どうゆう意味?

彼に本当の話教えてあげた。
理解できたそう。
でも彼がまだがんばるかも。

ベッドにだきしめれる人いなんだ。冬寒っ!ww

たぶんチャットで話し続ける。
どのぐらいこんなことやっちゃうの.....
ちょっと寂しすぎる。ただ愛をくれる人がほしいんだ。前の好きだった人のことを考えすぎ。
バレンタインディー何をすればいいのかい...?

あたしの気持ちをちゃんと.....「########」

Worth your while

Today is the worst I've felt ever since I came back to Albany. My mind just freezes, and I don't feel like saying anything. It's uncomfortable. And I don't know what to do.

I got my haircut this morning. I went to a place in the mall, "Tulio", and they did a good job. At first I hated it, how she did my bangs, but then I got home and realized I didn't look as bad as I thought.

I spent the rest of the day laying in bed.
I'm weak. This year I'm trying to be stronger but it doesn't change how I really am. Putting up a strong front is really the best I can do. Accept things the way they are is another thing I can do. But I'm still weak. I can put the facts in front of me and say "okay, This is how it is. I have to let it be," but then I'll have a fit inside myself. Or more of a struggle to accept what I accepted on the outside.

I had a bad feeling ever since I lost my heart locket for my necklace. I knew it became missing for some reason... it was like an omen really.

I lost.
To be honest, I kinda knew this would happen. Being apart from one person while spending lots of time with other people would mix things up. Affections develop, how could it be avoided? It happens all the time. Again, another strong front. But what else should I do? The best right now would be for me to stop everything I was doing. The last thing I want to do is give him more pain with my presence lingering around. Why should I stop him from finding someone great? Someone that is much closer to him? I lost. And, I needed to know that before I could stop everything. Now I can say... there's nothing left to try for.

I'm not very good at offering things. I can't offer smarts, beauty, money, etc. At times I think I can't even offer a solid friendship. But I knew I was good at loving someone when given the chance. But in the past I kinda failed at that too. But I know ever since last summer that changed. I tried, and it was worth it. I enjoyed doing everything I could for something I knew was less than a 50% chance of success. I don't regret it, and it wasn't a waste of my time. He wasn't. I don't care if he tells me he's wasn't worth my time. I won't believe it. And that's the honest truth, not a strong front. It doesn't change my memories I have and the happiness that came with them.

Love is the most difficult emotion. But it's thrown around a lot. I hate that with some people. With something so powerful it should be treated seriously, and I think I've experienced that seriousness. It's trial and error, that's all I can really say. The more serious you take it, the more you'll realize if this one is the right one for you. One day I'll be able to do it again, and find someone who will take this emotion seriously with me again.

I'm weak, but I don't regret anything.

Change can be a good thing afterall

I think today was the first day this entire year I felt like I accomplished something. More like, live up to my resolutions. I realized I gained five pounds over break. FIVE POUNDS!! Gosh... all that eggnog... not to mention I bought another half gallon yesterday lol... But the point is, I finally exercised today. I wanted to go for an hour but lo and behold that was clearly impossible for me. Not just because I'm such a lazy bum, really because there's only so much you can do in your room at night and before I knew it my legs just wanted to give out. Yeah, it means I'm pretty much out of shape but I kinda don't want to give myself leg pains for work tomorrow morning either. Two showers a day. One when I wake up, the other after working out. Sounds pretty good. Exercising is pretty important. I've noticed awhile ago but it definitely affects your mood. Well, for that time being at least haha. It makes you feel a little happy, if not by whatever hormonal things being processed in your brain, by letting you know you're doing something to improve yourself in some way. I watched two movies the past two nights. "Supersize Me" and "Killer At Large". Well, "Supersize Me" is pretty well known for it involves eating McDonald's everyday. But "Killer At Large" is more focused to just the obesity problem in America. Honestly, I don't think I'll eat fast food as often as I used to anymore. I mean, the movies didn't drive me away from the fast food industries (how could I deny Taco Bell?! lol), but I know I would be better avoiding them a little too. The main message I received was just that I don't want to be fat again. I was 135lbs, not where I wanted to be but still normal for my height. Now I'm 140. It makes me sick. ugh. I think I'm going to buy some dumbbells one day soon too; my arms are nice and thin, but there's like no muscle.

I'm trying to get a little more organized too. So I cleaned out my desk drawers and bought some extra stuff. A calendar for my wall (New York City Firemen lol) and also a mini agenda so I can write homework and stuff. I had one last year too and never really wrote in it but, I'm thinking since this one is super tiny and can easily take it anywhere and because of the fact I'm trying to get more organized this year, I'll use it. Besides, look at this thing. For 50% off (about $3 in the end) how could I NOT buy it?? :DD

It's soooo cute, right?♥ Always Borders to have the cutest things for the most outrageous prices haha

I also bought some Post It notes hoping to get that "more organized" thing down lol... um, and my eating habits are changing too. Will TRY to eat three meals a day but lunch will possibly be hard to do once classes begin again. But they will be smaller portions. Breakfast will still continue to be my maple sausages lol I do love them so much♥ And from there so far I'm on instant mashed potatoes and canned veggies. Oh and rice. My heart is still Asian so I do need my rice :D

I just feel more refreshed today for some reason. Change can be a good thing. A new job, a new outlook on life, a new view for myself. Only took me 13 days into the year for me to finally get a grip on this. I've also decided to start saving my money a little bit better too. I have so much I need to save up for. For personal expenses and for future intentions. It seems like four different savings in the end but, given time I think it should look less stupid than what it sounds right now haha.

Somehow I just feel so different today. I wish I could explain better. But I want to change everything. This year I just want to try. No. This year, I want to do it all. Life can suck, but I gotta keep myself happy :)

It's a theory of relativity. You wouldn't understand ;)

I remember when I was a kid I was told that once you cut your leg shaving it would never stop bleeding. I always wondered then why in the world women would want to shave their legs. You can guess what happened to me. It surprises me every time how long it takes for it to actually stop bleeding. My towel is a bloody mess now.

Yesterday I had to make a difficult decision. Quit or stay. Sushi Tei that is. I think I had my mind set on what I wanted from the beginning but I had a difficult time accepting that it was what I wanted. It bothered me so much I couldn't even sleep that night after my decision was made. I only accomplished two hours of sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about regrets, trying to persuade myself that it was the right decision. No one was making me feel better about it. Just felt worse and worse. Not to mention I had to wake up at 6:30 and get ready for work this morning. I was tired, of course. But wait, a morning shift? Yeah, in the end I quit Sushi Tei. Today I started my job in the mall in the Pet Store.

I called Jackie, my boss, and told her about it last night. She wasn't too happy to hear it and tried to convince me to stay. She said I was on my way for another raise, things should be easier for me now that I've been there a long time (aka I'm no longer training, which is the hardest part), that I wasted time and money that's why they train (something along those lines), how they would keep my position opened for so long if I wanted to come back, and stuff. I like Sushi Tei. The people are very nice to me, I get a free meal, and the pay is VERY good and there's tips included. But I just never enjoyed bringing myself to work and just couldn't wait until the day was done. I felt awkward around the people around me sometimes and I was VERY nervous around my two bosses. I liked talking to the customers; I'm a friendly person. But I'm just not a waitress. I mean, after this I have enough confidence to get another waitress job. I know I can handle it, but at this place... I had my happy days and my ehh days. I feel terrible about doing this to them and yesterday I felt even worst. I just don't really enjoy the whole waitress thing I think.

I need more flexible hours. There's a class I wanted to take but due to me working Tuesday nights I couldn't do it. Now that I have quit I possibly have the option to take it now. Not only that but I'm tired of doing nights, especially on the weekend. I wake up, too lazy to do anything before work, go to work, come home wanting to sleep. I accomplish nothing. And it's that way Saturday AND Sunday. I would at least like one weekend night free to do school work or something. I rather work mornings to begin with so my day isn't wasted being lazy. Another thing is my pay. I've been telling people I was getting $8.10 an hour. To be honest I have no idea if that's even true. I mean now that I think about it, how could I go from $7.25 to $8.10 within four months? Doesn't really sound right but maybe I did. Point is, I don't know. I don't know my tips either. And the most important thing is: MY PAY STUB. No pay stub is included with my check. I know I filled out tax return papers but that's all I did. I didn't give them my id, or a copy of my social security card. They never asked for a copy of either. So I'm not even positive I'm getting my taxes taken which is HIGHLY IMPORTANT if I want New York residency. I could have asked, but... I told them twice already when I started that I needed my taxes taken even though everyone else is under-the-table. I'll see at the end of the month if I get my tax return sent to me I guess.

The Pet Store. I woke up today, got to the mall around 9:30am and the first thing I did was clean shit and piss from the dogs' cages. That was my morning. Sound terrible enough? To be honest, I had so much fun. Not cleaning shit lol, that didn't bother me at all. But the time went fast for 5-6 hours. And honestly, I wouldn't have mind staying longer. I loved taking the dogs out of the cages and giving them to people, and even just holding the dogs for the hell of it. I already sold $72 worth of merchandise; I knew how to use the computer right away after Chris showed me once. I cleaned up after them, answered questions when I was able to, put mice and dwarf hamsters in a new cage, etc. I loved it. And just that alone has made me feel like I could work there every freggin' day. I loved it so much. We currently have this Saint Bernard and when you take him out of the cage you have to like throw him over your shoulder he's sooo big and fluffy and ♥♥♥♥♥♥!!! My love for just holding his huge body has made me decide to save $2,000 (that's how much he is there) just to buy one in the future. He's only two months old by the way which means he has much much more to grow yet :) But he should be sold soon, sadly :(

The Pet Store has more flexible hours. One very important thing to me is that my Sunday nights are guaranteed to be open since the mall closes at 6. And I don't have to walk a distance to get to the bus anymore lol. I can do mornings when I can and on the weekends there is even a middle shift (12-6), so I can even have a choice for that. Also if I needed to I can get someone to cover my shift more easily and switch hours for a week if needed. I'm a lot more flexible which makes me feel... less caged, if that makes any sense. Sure the pay is less, only $7.25, and I will never get a raise but I do get commission if I'm lucky enough to sell $1,000 every week. Trust me, if you sell a dog that's not so hard to accomplish since most dogs are about $1,000. Less stress here too. Like, at Sushi Tei I was always on my toes to try to move faster, try not to mess up the order, try to remember the menu and what comes with what, worrying about packing the takeout correctly, trying to move fast on the computer to punch up the orders (for some reason I always had trouble locating some meals), trying to look busy, pleasing picky customers, feeling too scared to talk in Japanese to the boss, feeling like shit when I screw something up, etc. It's a stressful thing. That's why it was always either a good or ehh kind of day. Here it's just, well, simple. I'm not saying I want to take the easy way out but, I don't want more stress to top me while taking classes. This year has been such a hell ride, I would at the very least like to enjoy work.

So, after today I've concluded I've made the best decision. Less pay means I just need to be more careful on my spending now. But I still have a job, I still have money coming in, and I feel a hell of a lot more better being employed. Tomorrow is my last day at Sushi Tei. Next day at the Pet Store is Tuesday.

I did unfortunately spend a little over $100 these past two days though. I bought myself an external hard drive (blue!) for around $80 because I am downloading too much music and taking space and I want to put my pictures/video from Japan in a safe place in case this computer explodes (lol it better not). Then $15 on a set of two silicon itouch cases, lime green and sky blue. I was surprised I even found them at Best Buy, they don't make cases for my generation itouch anymore... My hard case has cracked beyond belief and I've dropped the damn thing too many times to count. The silicon will protect it from shock which I NEED. I can't have a broken itouch :'( It is my life.

New 相対性理論 (soutaiseiriron) album released last year... ON MY BIRTHDAY??? Yeah, I had no idea. Found it and now I'm totally addicted. I love them. So so much. Life seems more complete again lol. For the many people who don't know this group, they're of course indie but if you read their lyrics, even in translation, their songs are so messed up lol. They really just sing about the most random things. Sometimes it doesn't even make much sense for your brain. They'll say something and you'll just be like, "whaaat the hell is that supposed to mean...?" Fun :)

Then there is Starbucks' Iced Chai Latte♥ My new favorite of Starbucks. Best free $3-something of my life today. I traveled with Kevin around the mall and he had a friend working in Starbucks and she gave us free vente drinks. I said that one just off the top of my head but it was the best sudden decision I made. The taste is exquisite.  

I smell like dog and dog shit now and probably will for the rest of my Pet Shop career. I walked around the mall like that afterwords and I smelled it radiating off my hands whenever I paid for something lol. Worth it? I think so :)

EGGNOG.

Resolutions. Pfft. So much for being strong. I cave in so easily when I talk to him. Figures it wouldn't work. Whatever. Whatever. He's just... too adorable. What else can I do?

Tomorrow I'm heading back to Albany. Trip to NYC in the morning I think, 8:30am? Then after I arrive at Penn Station I'm stuck there for two hours. As always I'll head to Au Bon Pain and buy myself a cookie as I wait the dreadful hours. But hey, I survived six hours stuck there so I think I'll be fine haha. Then it's time to diet. No joke. I looked at my stomach today and was like, "Shit. I gained ten pounds. I must have." There's no scale here but as soon as I get back I'll be stepping on it right away. And since I never buy myself sweets I should be able  to lose these extra pounds somewhat quick. That's when my resolutions will start. Obviously now me being strong is going to have to be in a different way, but my dieting, studying, paying more attention to myself, yeah, all that starts when I get back home at the apartment. Most likely as well I'm going to go to the mall after I get back to Best Buy for an external hard drive and laptop fan. In serious need of it.

I had my share of eggnog. Because of Chris I've gone crazy this entire holiday drinking it, buying it, trying all different kinds of it. ughh, EGGNOG. I FUCKING LOVEEE IT. I tried pumpkin eggnog, McDonald's eggnog milkshake, Starbucks' eggnog latte, soymilk eggnog, different brands of eggnog, I'm eggnog addicted. I really wish they sold it longer than the holiday. But then again I'd be fatter than fat. The stores have already stopped selling them and McD is the only place I can fulfill my addiction. But I don't know when they'll stop it either. That day I shall cry. But then again, it's impossible to get to McD anytime soon while at Albany anyway. Which makes me want to buy one last one before I leave now... MUST DO.

This story thing is hard to do. I'm wondering where I had my motivation all those years now in junior/high school. So hardddd.

I feel something good about this year already. Not sure why. Maybe I feel lazy and completely unmotivated to do much while I'm here in PA but I feel once I'm back in Albany everything will start moving much better. I need to do little exercises as well. Squats to tone out my ass, it's too fat lol and lunges for my thighs. I feel come this spring I might be a whole different person. I'll be at the point when I can actually agree with people, and finally feel I'm ready to deserve him. My hair will be much longer too and I'm considering on perming it. If not that then I'll just be curling it a lot. I always liked the big curls on girls with long hair. I feel... I'll be that definition I always considered, "pretty".

OMFG. I REALLYYY WISH THEY STILL MADE EGGNOG NOW!!! I WANNA MAKE EGGNOG PANCAKES!!!!

2011; Maybe this is the time I'm able to fix these broken pieces on my own

I've admitted it. I can't live without him. Every day I drive myself crazy wanting to talk to him, hoping to see his face again, just thinking about him I break down. With him gone, I feel like a huge chunk of me has disappeared. Even if I do get to talk to him everyday and share the same laughs and smiles with each other, knowing that it's nothing more than a friendly conversation doesn't do me any good. It's only a temporary high to get me through the rest of the day or to give me a good night's sleep. I'm so empty knowing my feelings won't reach his heart. I can tell him over and over how much I still care for him, how I'll continue to care for him throughout this year separated, but the way I want him to feel isn't exchanged back to me. I know he cares about me somewhere in his heart, but it's nothing more than caring. Being a really close friend isn't what I hoped for. Throughout these months I really considered this as going back to the beginning. Trying to get close to each other again just like in November 2009. The only problem is, I have too many memories I can't just let go of. And... it shouldn't take eight months to figure out you like someone... But if I even stand a chance, I won't know until then. And then I may never see him again even after that. He'll go away again, and leave me again.

What I've learned during these past four months is that I really do love him. If I've ever questioned myself about it before I know it's for real now. The problem is, love can never take you all the way. You can love someone so much but that alone can't make them happy. I've learned that. I thought I shown my love in many different ways. I took time to send him letters, make things, write my feelings for him (the good and bad), become interested in things that he is, and write 101 memories together. I've never received a letter back... I've never received a card... I asked for a letter, just a single letter... it was one of the things I've always wanted in a relationship; a letter from the person you care about from another country. I've never received anything. I'm not worth the trip to the post office.

I've been single since October. We never made it for a year.
The day he told me it was over I couldn't believe it. I never knew how much he started to dislike me, he never showed any negative emotion the weeks beforehand. I wonder sometimes if it was really my fault to begin with then. It was sudden, when he told me all the reasons for doing this.
If I'm single, I need to start acting it. Because I'm in love with someone who refuses to love me until his year abroad is over. If I've been ignorant for most of my life, I think I can recognize ignorance from others as well.

Today needs to be the day I fix myself. I can't do this to myself anymore. He's not a bad guy, he's worth every effort I've put into trying to have him back in my life. But we're aren't complicated, we're not separated. He told me he's single, he told me it's over. I'm playing a game that won't end until I see junior year. The days I think I've gotten closer don't mean anything to him. It's always the same answer.

I love him. I'll always love him.
I  made wishes, and I thought I'd hope for the best once the new year started at midnight. But maybe this is what I need to be a stronger person. I need to stop sending my feelings across the distance because they aren't registering on the other line.

I'm still going to be here. I'm still going to be waiting.
Even though I'm waiting, I don't want to pray everyday that maybe today would be the day I wouldn't have to wait anymore. I know already he'll never tell me.

I honestly don't think I'm good enough for him. Our personalities don't match. I'm not attractive enough.
But the fact that I love him will never change. I just need to be stronger and find a way without him for these next eight months. It's not going to be easy, but... he's not worth the constant crying over. Not anymore, for now.