Last post of the year? I want to welcome 2011 with hope

Christmas has past and it wasn't so terrible this year. I mean, I wasn't in much of a Christmas spirit and it didn't even feel like Christmas to me; just another day. It just means I'm getting older and beginning to realize Christmas is just not that holiday like it was when we were kids anymore. I don't care about presents anymore or about money or really about receiving anything. I realize our financial position more and more, I realize how expensive college really is, and I see the burden it puts on my parents. So in reality... Christmas just got me upset when my parents gave me more money than I needed. It wasn't necessary and it should have went towards paying my tuition or rent. But I've been yelled at plenty of times from my family when I try to explain my point of view, receiving the same statement "If someone gives you money don't complain and just say thank you". There's nothing wrong with that theory, but when you clearly know you don't deserve it and the people giving you it can use it more than yourself then I think I have a right to complain. Because it doesn't belong to me.

As for my break, it still has been pretty dull. I'm trying to come up with a good story though. I've been reading fan-fictions on a variety of shows/games of pairings lately and it makes me feel like I failed. Middle school I wrote sooo much. I had a Quizilla account and posted stories like crazy. My account still exists but I'm too embarrassed to post my information here haha. I don't need anyone reading them. I thought I was a good writer when I was doing it but now that I look back on them I feel like an idiot haha. It's just so embarrassing! It's not all terrible, it's enjoyable to read some of it but still haha... I don't think I'm willing to share :)

But fan-fiction has gotten into me again and I really want to write a better love story that doesn't involve vampires like my other ones. I was that vampire story writer as a teen, I thought vampires made everything so much more... sensual. lol If you understand me. But now with this vampire faze going through America right now it disgusts me and I don't want to fall in play with them again. I need something at least a little more realistic now.

And here comes the new year.
I have resolutions,
+Not going to fail this year, I'm going to write a story
+I'm going to lose weight
+I'm going to be a happier person
+Try to keep going strong
+Study harder and get good grades
+Try to focus more on myself

I have wishes,
+
+
+
I'm sure you can guess what they are without me typing them considering what my blogs are usually about...

I thought about it a lot. And I know once it becomes 2011... it becomes eight months... and eight months is a little long... too long actually. But, I can't find a good reason to give up yet. I mean, why give up on something good? It's going to be another stressful year. Maybe 2010 and 2011 will be my worst years in the end. But... it's at least worth a try, worth a wish, worth holding on to even if it's the smallest glint of hope. 2011 I'm going to turn 20. At that age, I feel like this year needs to be more serious, more responsible on my part. I can't give up until I'm certain it's a hopeless cause.

2011, I want this to be a year of improvement, a year of growing, a year of accomplishment, a year of something magical. lol

Happy New Year, everyone :) Let's all wish for the best

If only that single smile could tell me those 1000 words

If I lock the voice, cover my eyes, change this picture, erase the wounds, redraw the expression, subtitle the dialogue, release the air, capture a wish, clip our emotions, pin my hair, forget the image, scream, color in the mistakes, hide reality, pull the dream, call further, reach further, wipe this salt, record in black and white, then it can be that way it will be.

To think. This became everything.

Give me one hour and I'll tell you Merry Christmas Eve :)

Pennsylvania.

A dreadful place.
Day 3 and I'm already ready to die. About 12 days left on the countdown. I need some encouragement here. No snow, no dog in the house, hating Hazleton once I stepped foot in it after all these months. Ugh. I don't belong here and I want to go back to Albany. It's the closest thing to home I feel, even if my room is a little too small. Well, at least I have a room there. I've been sleeping on my couches the past three nights due to 1) my bedroom is super cold and 2) I don't even have a bed because it's been moved to Albany. I can't say I've been getting good rest. My first night I felt so tight on my downstairs couch (the WARMEST place in the house) which gave me a hard time to sleep, then last night I couldn't sleep at all and I was on my upstairs couch. But there was a different reason why I couldn't sleep at all. Thinking a little too much again. A well known habit of mine.

I feel too lazy here. I planned on studying but I haven't even picked up my books. I've been waking up, watching movies, computer, filming, editing a movie, napping. My life. Oh and eating too much again. I'm not really in a bad mood, but I'm just disappointed, added to a bit of loneliness, I think you can see how my days are. When I'm in Albany I'm away from these feelings most of the time. This place... is seriously my deathbed.

I feel a lot closer to the people I know in Albany. I come here and I don't even say a word to the people I used to know. It's why I'm stuck in the house all the time. I don't know why that is. I think I'm just meant to wander. Like, I've never had a difficult time making friends in my life (excluding elementary school). I've never seen myself as someone to be a troublesome friend. But like, it's almost like I can't keep it forever. Once I move on it's like everything else gets left behind as well. It's not a very good thing at all, but somehow my personality has shaped me that way. Or maybe I'm wrong. Because I still keep in very good touch with most of my friends in Japan and it's been two years now. So maybe it's because of the idea of Pennsylvania. I think I'm just trying to escape it so much I'm trying to neglect everything associated with it. I'm not sure... it's really something to ponder about. But I feel like I don't want to forget the people in Albany... why is that?

I try to ignore it anymore.

A lot of different things have been floating in my mind. After watching two movies yesterday, Ip Man one and two, I've noticed different things about myself and others and more truth about the Chinese people. If no one has watched the movies I suggest you do, especially the first one. I don't care if you hate movies with subtitles or what, it needs to be seen. If everyone could just imagine how other people have to live, the feelings of others who are different.... honestly this topic deserves its own blog. I've felt disgusted. I suppose I'll save this for another day. But the point is... the Chinese aren't dirt. I'm not saying I believed exactly that but I did criticized them a little in my own way in the back of my mind. And it's a shame that I'm not alone.

Christmas...
I'm still going to make a wish :)

EXIT

I'm back home in Pennsylvania and to be honest it kinda sucks. As soon as I got here I had a decision to make. Sleep at my mom's or sleep at my dad's. Ugh. I'm trying not to hurt either of their feelings, and I know my mom really wants to make up what happened back in June but do I really have to be put in such a position? Either way it ended up me sleeping at my dad's. I'll be here for a few nights then I'll have to switch. My dog isn't in the house either which makes this whole staying here over night kinda pointless lol. I missed my dog so much but my dad said she's been on her period so in order for no stains on the carpet she's outside. I don't understand how it can take over a week for her to get over her period. Poor thing... thank god I'm not a dog for that.

I ended up timing my buses wrong. I took a 7:30am bus out of Albany, arrived in NYC at 10am, then had to wait until 4pm until my next bus to PA at Penn Station. I waited 6hrs. sitting on that hard, tiled floor. Unbelievable, right? I should get a reward. Waiting 6hrs. doing absolutely nothing at a bus terminal means I can wait an entire year for you!! Patience dammit!! LOL. No.

I'm not in a Christmas mood. I'm not exactly sure what it is but it feels so empty. Like boring. I was actually all up and excited the week beforehand about coming, but maybe it was just because I was excited about the snow. The snow that is currently non-existent lol. I still have to write Christmas cards and I'm not very in the mood to do so. -sigh- Such has become this vacation. But I really need to send out those cards. It's the 22nd today.... I MUST SEND THEM OUT TOMORROW. Wien's is the only one I made sure to get out asap haha, geeze...

Yesterday I slept in until 4pm. I couldn't believe it. And it really pissed me off too. I mean, I woke up to the sun going down, get out of the shower to a setted sun. It was a FML moment for sure. Received an early Christmas gift from my mom :) I really like it too. Today I'm awake now though so for sure I will not sleep again! I've got things to do. At least more productive things. I kinda want to tell everyone what me and my sister did for our parents this Christmas. We decided back in July that we wanted to do something really big for them this year and something for once that they could actually use. We both went half on both presents. For my mom, we're paying her mortgage for a month: $500. For my dad we're buying him a new washer: ~$300. Pretty good, right? We've been saving so... and I really think this is a good present. My mom has nooo idea and I can see her being brought to tears. I'm going to feel reallly uncomfortable if that happens though lol but hey, it means she appreciates it.

A Hapibara-san Christmas♥

Meltdown;

I'm going home tomorrow, Greyhound bus departs from Albany at 7:30am. Arrival in NYC, probably around 10-11am. I haven't bought my ticket to Hazleton PA just yet. If I went with Greyhound they were to have be go to Binghamton then switch there then switch again in Scranton. FOR $81 ONE WAY. Bull. No way am I going to pay that much. I remember taking Susquehanna Trailways from NYC and I'm suree, no POSITIVE, it's going to be cheaper than that. But if you look on their site their schedule makes no sense and it seems like a bus may not even be leaving on Monday. Whatever. I'll buy a Greyhound bus then if I have to. But in the end I'll probably be home around 9-9:30pm. What a full day blown, right?

I guess I'm happy to go back.

I would really like a break from work for these two weeks and I need to get back to studying. I haven't touched my Japanese or Cantonese in such a long time. Korean well..... I'm leaving that serious study for the summer. I've decided to go for a lot of New Years Resolutions this year. I always tried to do something but they never fall through, at least most of my hopes. But this year I think I can do it. I've been really lazy this past semester, it really bothers me. I feel like all I've done for my languages has been a waste of my time and for my Japanese.... it's just really luck that I've been there for a year and now have developed quickness for recognizing kanji ready for the tests. Or else I just may be struggling like some of the people in my class.

As for being back in PA, well I feel like I'll enjoy it for so long and then as always I'll get bored of it. I can't wait to see the snow, that's for sure, and with this approaching storm things should get better (I lovee snowstorms). And I mean, I'm only there for two weeks anyway so it shouldn't be too bad. I really miss laying with my dog though lol. She's awesome.

Life has been such a big spin.
At least this past semester. I can't wait till it all slows down which seems impossible until I leave this apartment for the time being. I need a more organized room, a bigger area to lay on the floor and close my eyes, a backyard covered with snow so I can lay down and stare at the stars; just a place to breathe for a short time. Get my thoughts together about everything. I've probably been a mess and haven't realized it. So I think this short vacation will do me some good.

I have a project to do while I'm there too. Shhh ;)

I'll be stuck in NYC for probably 6 or so hours. Wish I had someone to take me around NYC again since I'll be stuck there but, maybe next year :) Guess I'll pick a spot at Penn Station buy a few cookies, and study. And then... well, I'll close my eyes and I'll fall back into the snow.

Here I come.

A new name, a new face; winter romance movie session begins

Judging from everything, I think this needed a new taste.
Life isn't just about living for something amazing all the time. Maybe, it's just learning just how far you can take things and discovering what things can mean to you. I'm not living more, I'm beginning to learn how to.

I got obsessive again. This time with early 1920-1940 themed romance movies. Something about them makes me feel closer to them. Actually I think there's a key word as to why lol but I don't feel like revealing it. I watched a film over the summer called "The Painted Veil". I'm not exactly sure of the significance of the title but the movie is quite beautiful and I do suggest it for anyone wanting a good story. Here's the sypnopsis.

"A British medical doctor fights a cholera outbreak in a small Chinese village, while also being trapped at home in a loveless marriage to an unfaithful wife. " The Painted Veil movie trailer♥


I've honestly never loved such a movie, well AMERICAN movie, as much as this one. Love it sooo much I went and bought the book today!! I think during Christmas break I'm going to look for more romance movies based between those times periods again. Oh gosh, I just realized The Notebook is one of them.... I'm also going to start a movie collection of all my favorites. I was on the hunt for this movie as well when I bought the book but could you believe that Best Buy OR Fye did not have it??? I was unbelievably disappointed. Now I have to buy it online :'( Such is so....

Second movie I happened to watch was "Atonement". This movie was so... I was really heartbroken at the end, coming to tears. Synopsis: "Fledgling writer Briony Tallis, as a 13-year-old, irrevocably changes the course of several lives when she accuses her older sister's lover of a crime he did not commit." Atonement movie trailer♥

I hear it's a confusing movie and is needed to watch about three times before you can grasp its portraying of the story and I can understand why many would say that as well. But I understood it just perfectly. Sure, there was a part, especially in the beginning where I was like, "Wait, you mean you just went backwards now?" and then I realized what was going on and I kinda just got used to it. Clearly not as such an amazing story as The Painted Veil but I give this movie its credit. It reveals something deeper than The Painted Veil had given. Like... maybe I'm crazy but for what those two people went through.... especially how it went down in the end... I just felt something horrifying but yet beautiful. This story will most likely also become part of my winter reading list. Actually, yes. I will go out and buy it once exams are finished.


Both of these movies will be going into my collection. And so will these novels. I look forward to my next new discovery, my next movie♥

ネ、ネ、2人の思い出を重ねて..

恋しい。

I want to go back. Looking through old pictures from two years ago, seeing the faces I feel like I have forgotten. I'm starting to wonder again who is more important to me. Them or one. I had a goal in the beginning, I wanted to be with them again, and I was going to fight my hardest to learn Japanese so I wouldn't have that language barrier with them anymore. I wanted to impress them, I just wanted to understand them better and be a REAL friend, not that foreigner who became a really nice person that they'll never forget. I feel like I'm that kind of person. Sure, I have serious conversations with one or two of them but I still feel a border somewhere between us. I figured, once I become fluent or at least really close to it, I'd be able to get closer to them, I'd be able to understand them better and they'd understand me better.

I thought, I'd be the one to marry a Japanese guy. And it excited me to think so. But waiting so long to have that, it's really lonely. Then I began to think about dating any Asian. But then what happens? I still want to go to Japan, I want to LIVE in Japan. But then I may have to give that up if I wanted to stay with someone I loved to be with everyday. I thought it would also be great if I could find someone to go with me. Someone who would also be trying their hardest at learning Japanese to see the same dream as me. What are the chances?

Waiting until my time comes in Japan seems more realistic. I've decided to audit a class I can only make to once a week (even though it's a two days a week class anyway). It's a class in which we read modern Japanese literature in Japanese. I'm just soo serious about this language I can hardly believe it myself. Was it because of them? I think another reason why I'm trying so hard too is so I can get permission to take an actual Japanese class while I do an exchange in two years. I'd be able to meet 10x more Japanese people and make friends with them too instead of with other exchange students. I just want... actually, I don't know what I want.

The feeling goes up and down. I think about them to a point where I can't stand it and want to try so much harder at learning Japanese. Then I think about them to a point where I feel like we're fading and it shouldn't make a difference. But after receiving a letter with stickers and a guitar pick from one friend of the band we love so much and even went to see them live together, I know I'm still thought about often and in their hearts. It makes me unbelievably happy to know that they still care, still wait patiently to see me again, try to keep in contact with me, send me letters and pictures (I even had incidents with food!), it's just, maybe I meant a lot to them in the end. I've even been able to Skype with another friend recently. I'm so happy.

If these are the people I should be caring about the most as an incentive to my future life in that country, why should I still burden the feeling of this wanting to share more with someone else, want to aim for the same thing, want to try hard together to reach the promise we made to ourselves? I want to know what it means to date anymore. Life feels mixed up, people are immature, feelings are tossed and recycled around. I understand high school is not the place to be worried about love, but college? I would think even then you would be mature enough to want to TRY to find someone who you want to care about, someone who "fits" you and not like the many people I see dating just to date and have fun with it. The way I see college right now, the way people are just make me upset. But that's just my opinion. I'm sure many people would disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm not going to argue against them. But I'm just looking for something or someone who knows how to spend college but in a more mature way.

All I know, is that I really want to be with them. I'm working hard to reach them. I'm working hard to reach other people as well. But in the end, I can always rely on them to continue to think of me, and I promise to think of them. The life I had there, my friends, even if I could find love.. I would have to most likely give up my main dream to stay with a single person. And I don't want to do that.

恋しい。

Japan... distances away... but it's the one place I know I belong whether I have someone to hold hands with or not.

特別になりたかったんだけどさ....Probably about time I faced reality

As if things couldn't make me more confused.

I honestly don't know what I was expecting for this day. I don't know, maybe something cute, something adorable, but really just a normal conversation. But maybe a tint of something else, something hopeful?
Lets just say as I think back on it now I'm wondering what was the point of trying to celebrate something that doesn't exist?
Yeah, Happy Anniversary. We aren't even together anymore.

I wasn't looking for immediate results, how could I? Nothing I do can ever bring things back the way they were because of the distance. Nothing is ever the same. And now I just feel embarrassed.

I look for his attention, a little too much. Today is just a blunder. I thought I had something to look forward to but in the end it's just as lonely as ever. So much for thinking I've accomplished a landmark, it's just an empty date that I tried to make important. In the end I let myself down. As to be expected, of course.

I enjoy talking to him.
Always do. But things just seem so helpless. If only I could write what happened today instead... everyone would be ashamed of me. I'm ashamed of myself. I don't even know him anymore so why would I even consider... like seriously, wtf. This was hardly the day. Waking up like this, I thought maybe seeing his face again and joke around could make me feel better; didn't help at all. And now here I am, regretting 12/04/10 ever happened. This isn't love. And I don't know what the hell I'm feeling for him now, what the fuck I was feeling at that moment I said okay. I don't even know what happened.

I feel like, I'm just tearing myself apart. What am I going to do for Christmas? Try to make that day special too? Try to talk to him again hoping for something special again? What am I supposed to feel? This has been one-sided since October.

I receive random hints that he still cares the slightest for me. That alone has been keeping me strong. The day he webcamed me drunk, it was the happiest I've been and the one day I thought that I was doing the right thing, He sang to me and played many songs on his guitar for me. He told me many times that he loved and missed me. But then the one day I double guessed myself when webcamming started to be too common while he was sober. Was it really worth being this friendly? If things plan to never change, if I'm not allowed to hear certain words for an entire year, being constantly teased by these overly friendly meetings, what am I supposed to do? Why should I have to look forward to the nights he gets drunk, hoping to receive his special feelings for me? He just doesn't get it. Then he gets upset for me being depressed, what is he expecting? He has no idea what I'm going through. He's out there miles away living a life where he doesn't need to worry about the feelings of others. Why am I depressed? It's because of him, but yet he thinks that I get depressed over nothing and/or random things and gets mad when I'm upset in front of him. Wtf does he want?

I want him. I love him. And I honestly don't care about anyone else's opinion on the matter anymore because I know what I'm doing is stupid already. I've gotten the facts shoved down my throat back in October. I haven't forgot them, I'm trying to think it can't be real. I'm pushing myself to do things just for one person. Learning Cantonese? Really? Is that even necessary? Wtf am I going to do with it if I can't spend the time using it with him? I never even wanted to do anything with China! What about last night? I would have never done that! What is this landmark supposed to mean anymore? Don't tell me you feel bad... Why would I want to know that...?

But I'm tired of being desperate. I'm tired of trying to send my feelings across the distance.
I wasn't expecting us to go back to before, but I was hoping.... hoping that I was able to feel that he wanted me too. Not only trying to make me happy.

If I make it through a year of pushing myself, persuading myself with the thoughts "if I just keep trying, prove myself by waiting" I'm going to be a mess by the time I don't have to wait anymore.

Before I got to speak with him I started writing a different blog entry:

I don’t think anything is a mistake anymore. If I considered all of this a waste of my time, thinking it was a mistake to meet you, what would have I accomplished? I would have realized that I’m weak for not wanting to try, realizing that no matter how much I may love someone I can’t fully trust them, and in the end it’s not love. You’re going to get hurt and you’re going cry. It’s what’s expected. One person is going to fade while the other stays devoted. Tell me nine months mean nothing. It comes and goes and the worst sides of people may show by then. Then let me know when it’s appropriate to give up. When does it become a hopeless battle?

I think if I learned anything these past three months is not to lose hope so easily. The beginning was the hardest thing I went through… Just receiving as much information as I did then was enough to just tell me to give up and stop trying. It all seemed hopeless. The words still dig deep into me. But I never let go. Instead I decided to look like a fool and come up with all these attempts to try and win him back. Yeah, I was desperate. Maybe I still am, but I don’t think it’s for a hopeless cause.

Today makes it one year. Whether or not we’re separated or broken up, I still consider this our anniversary.   Because I’m still happy I can smile in front of him and not break down. Because I can still talk to him every day. Because he can still find a way to tease me about how much I care about you.

I know my time and efforts went into something worth more than the surrounding stress revolving around me. It’s not perfect, but I still believe there’s better things to come. If not sooner, I know it’ll be here by August of next year. Am I wasting my time waiting so long for something I can’t be sure to come? I ask myself that all the time.

If that’s the case, I can look at it this way. At least I’ll know how to treat the next guy I meet.  I failed last time, but I know the next guy, if not an asshole, we can go far too. 

And now it's like this... what's going on between us...?
I don't feel closer to you at all....