Vanilla wafers soaked in milk must be the greatest dessert I've ever experimented with ♥

I've been happier these past two days.

It's not always good to look for an answer or a reason. That's one of the things I've learned these past two days. Somethings are just better not knowing and would be best to just forget the things you know. Even if you know some things, some sort of information that can change everything you ever thought of... sometimes it's just better not to know. Maybe I'm here just trying to blindly make an excuse for something because I don't want to hear the truth but, there are many times when I feel... everything is okay. Maybe something did happen, and that things could have possibly changed from that, but... there's still that possibility that everything is still okay.

Something happened with a friend today. Her boyfriend broke up with her. He said the reasons, but I felt like it was his excuse. Maybe it could have been true, but it still is... I don't know how to put my feelings into this correctly to explain.

I don't want to give up.
The scary thing is... he's a senior. No, he technically already graduated. And that really scares me... a lot. It scared me ever since I knew he was going abroad. It's a reason why I thought that first night, "this is a bad idea". Because seeing what happened to them right now makes me feel that it's so ironic. It's really ironic that relationships end once someone graduates. It's why I hope, and continue to hope that if/when I find someone, they'll still want to try throughout distance of a few states or cities. Or if I find someone in Hong Kong, if there's anyone nice enough, they'll wait for me. Because I will come back. I don't want to live in America anyway so... if there's someone who truly wants me, I'll come back to them.

But I'm hoping that won't be the case, at least not yet. I'm hoping I can still work out what I've started here. And if I can work it out, things will carry on from there. As long as I can live happy, I won't complain about where I am.


On other sides,
me and Shigeru did a good job cleaning the kitchen before he left back to Japan. He also found me the last volume of the Sailor V manga for my collection for me at BookOff :) I was really happy. He said he'll look for the rest of my missing Sailor Moon mangas too when he goes to a used bookstore again. My collection will be complete someday.

And then I cleaned the bathroom all by myself. It was really dirty. Really really dirty. It made me feel like a real housewife haha, I've never really cleaned so much in a long time. But it was rewarding, and now that I can 1) step on a clean floor and 2) know that I'm in a clean, disgusting-free bathroom is a great feeling. And once all the furniture and shit gets out of the living room I can clean that up better too. I just need Pheebe to move out so I can throw it all in that room and for Kevin to move his stuff out too. It'll be very nice to live here this upcoming year I think.

I also went to the Colonie Center Mall by myself yesterday but I sat at the bus stop for an hour because I was confused on where I was getting picked up and ended up missing the 90bus back to campus. So I took the 1bus when it came... almost an hour later. Well, now I know.

That has been my week so far, and I'm off today and tomorrow from any work.

I'm really trying to be a better person. I really am. It's just hard to figure out what I'm doing wrong. But I think I've improved as an individual. After hearing that's what happened to them, I don't want to screw up anymore.  I think too much with my heart other than head but I think it's true for everyone when I say:

I want to make people happy too.

Only when you smile :)

Working out is like a highlight of my day. I had to cancel today's because Austin didn't get out of his meeting till late and I didn't want to walk to Alumni at 9pm and come back at like 10ish. Next day to work out will be Thursday or Friday; most likely Friday. He does fencing on Thursdays I think. Fencing... that is just so freaking cool. I should join too...

Last week I spent $60 on DS games. Do I regret it? Absolutely not! The first game I bought "Okami Den" is the sequal to the PS2 game Okami and since I loveddd it sooo much I knew I would like the DS version too. Then the other game I got "9 Hours, 9 People, 9 Doors" I've been looking at for awhile now and it's like a mystery game where it's like you're reading a story and you have to solve puzzles (I totally have my two main characters forming a relationship in the game ;) since you can choose what things you want to do and what words to say also; awesomeee). It's the first game I've played like this but this game is rated 9/10 and it's like a physiological, horror visual novel thing. I'm completely focused on it. I. CANNOT. STOP. PLAYING. IT. It's reallyyyy good!!



My main reason to buy these two games, regardless of how much I was spending, was because I love my DS but every time I buy a game I regret it to an utmost extreme if it really sucks. I knew I would like these games and I really want to use my DS more and I need some new distractions in my life. So I figured in the end it was a good investment. Only bad part is that it's not distracting me away from the computer like I hoped... instead I'm playing it during breaks in between classes. fml.

In any case, my DS is getting proper use again :) That makes me have a good feeling. One day I will finally buy Mario Kart. One day.


I've been sick again, go figure. This entire year is just BLAH.
What's my disease this time?
Possibly worms.
Yeah, I know.

I'm a little creeped out at the entire idea but I've had some incidents where... well, that would just be getting into too much detail. But I'm in the process of getting my insurance company to allow me some stool sampling. I mean, right now as I type this blog I feel completely fine. Early however I was having serious stomach pains, and the past 3 days  there was just something... weird. I don't know. All I know is that there is definitely something wrong with me. And it's worrying me. Hopefully it'll just be a stage thing like my fungus situation. Like seriously, WTF. This year everything wants to try to like infect me and make me go into a coma or something stupid, I don't know. But it's annoying. And I'm tired of being sick.

Hence my life.

And entering in Japanese speech contest this year?
I'm crazy. And I feel my laziness wanting to take over again. But I can't do that. It's too late now. New sakubun about the recent disaster, here I come.

Love Song

I worked out today!!
Austin was like my training instructor and kept pushing me and made me do a bunch of stuff. It was awesome!

I was on the bike for like 20mins, some other standing like bike thing for 15mins, did 25 sit-ups on this slanted board thing which made it harder to do, did 30 drops with 5lb weights, and did some kind of lunge stretching kind of thing.... okay, not sure what the name was but it was for the lower stomach muscles. All in all, I feel happy about it. Unfortually all I'm doing is eating again right after I did so, but it still makes me feel sooo much better :D It's all for the spring/summer!!! My thighs are going to be sooo toned out! Then everyone will want a piece of thisss~~♥ AHAHAHAAAA!!!

lol No, I'm totally kidding about that. ;)

But it will be nice. To look so great in shorts, skirts, maybe a few dresses? That's what I need to buy, a few skirts. It's been so long since I've worn a skirt... last time I wore one was 3 years ago. It was a long one, but even then it was soo weird to feel the wind, you know... there. Not that it was bad or anything, but I just wasn't used to it.

I really can't wait till it gets so warm out I won't need to wear a jacket, buy some light, spring clothes, nice sandals (like the heeled ones, I want white!), you know; the whole attire♥


I think back to last year, and of something I said to Melissa. I planned to change for a certain person, for him to notice me and hope that he'd become interested in me not as "sex", but as a possible girlfriend the next time. Because I did like him, and he was very assertive, something I always found as one attractive quality. But the point is here, I told her I was going to change. I made a promise to myself I would, and when I ran into her the multiple times on campus looking nice, she always says to me, "I remember that day you told me you were going to change your clothing and appearance, and I'm so proud of you because you actually did it and you look BEAUTIFUL." Not word for word, but pretty much along the same context. And every time she says that to me, I can only give the biggest smile. Because I DID do it. The initial change was for that Korean guy. Never completely fell through however, until the Chinese man showed up.

I'm going to keep on exercising. I'm going to do it for myself so I have something to look forward to next year if things happen to fall out of play. As I look back on my old self, the multi-colorful freshman girl, who seemed to be lost in fashion, has finally made it somewhere. I'm proud of myself. I'm somewhere I hoped to be from the beginning of last semester.

I can't wait till the sun shines, with rays strong enough to heat up the skin.
I'll sit on the podium again and meet random people.
I'll be able to complain about it being too hot and then search for a shady place on the podium instead, only to move back into the sun when I'm too cold in the shade lol.
I'll be looking good, and happy :)

I'll hold on to this moment; there's no way, I won't let this go

Shitty past two weeks.
Japan in ruins.
No sleep.
Exams and stress build up.
Overreactions.
Mistakes.

Today is March, 15th, 2011.

I'm tired right now. Very tired. And want to pass out.
It's raining right now. I love the rain. To be able to lay in your bed, quiet, staring at the ceiling or just closing your eyes, and listen... I think that would be considered one of my hobbies. Add someone laying there with me in the mix and the moment becomes perfect.

But as I listen to this rain all I can think about is the black rain that falls down in Hitachi, Ibaraki. A city on an island, recovering from a disaster. All of my friends are in trouble. Even if they write me back that they are fine and that everything is okay, it's only natural for them to say that. But my host sister has been telling me the truth, and she hasn't been telling 大丈夫.

Friday March 11, 2011

Japan is hit with a 8.9 earthquake causing enormus tremors along the northeast and tsunamis soon after. The epicenter was off the coast near Sendai, but the city is now in ruins, thousands now dead. Nuclear power plants having cooling failures, explosions, fires, and the worst of them all, radiation leaks. Another Chernobyl incident on its way? Many say highly unlikely.  All I can say is I pray that it doesn't turn out that way.

I have a few number of people I'm worried about. So far everyone I was able to contact is safe. He's also leaving the country to Hong Kong. I kinda wish he could have come back to America but as long as he is able to get away and be somewhere safe, I'm glad. Besides, I'm pretty sure he's happy to go back to Hong Kong for a little bit. He does have family there and he grew up there. If I was in his shoes I'd be excited.

I've been watching the news, mainly CNN and I would turn back to some Japanese stations here and there but CNN has been my main source so far. The plant issue looks worse and worse everyday I wake up. I'm not sure what will happen to be honest. It seems now it's a 50/50 shot at being positive or negative.

On a side note, my middle school/early high school love is coming out with a new album :)

Sum 41

I heard a few tracks, and they're really making a comeback. It's been quite a long time since they last released anything.

I want to write more but now's not the greatest time. I'm tired. So so tired.

But I hope everyone is praying for the people of Japan. There are a lot of scumbags out there who think they have a right to say stupid things about how Japan deserved this and shit, and you know what, they're just dicks. They're still humans and any tragedy with deaths as much as what we've seen these past four days you should feel remorse for the dead. Or maybe you should have been in that quake. Fucking scumbags.

with his arm extended out ready to grasp his diming heart

It's been awhile since I posted, so I figured I'd get back into the habit again. It's just crazy, my head. There's just so much stuff to worry about, so many things I'm thinking about, I haven't been in a good mood, but I do feel somewhat a little better today.

Japanese class wants to kill me. I told myself, "If I don't get an A I'm taking 300 level all over again". That's a little crazy but I can't take it anymore. How the heck am I going to do what I dream to do or even be where I want to be if I don't start taking it more seriously? It's honestly not a thing about just passing the class and get it out of my way, finish my major, whatever that bullshit; it's not for that reason at all. I mean... even if I get that A I'm still going to audit in the class. However.... an A is impossible now..... that last listening test.... fuck.

I can't say that it hasn't made me more motivated and after her "inspirational" speech to the failing members of the class, I felt my heart literally stabbed. Crushed by a rock isn't good enough. Someone literally pierced my chest with a dagger and rotated the blade inside me. Enough of the visuals but that's what it felt like. I'm not bad at Japanese. I hold perfectly normal conversations all the time. I blame it on my lack of vocab. That's all I can do. Not much more to say on that matter.

I started using my KeyHole TV again. It might not help much but when I have the time I'll watch a variety show or the news and write down all the kanji that's not blurry on the screen that I don't know and look them up later. Then when I'm online doing whatever I'll put it on and just listen to it in the background if I don't want to watch it. I figured this way I'd learn new words and be able to put attention into my listening skills again. I listen to Japanese music all the time but I noticed that after some time I didn't care about actually listening to the lyrics of the song and just listened to it. That doesn't help me and listening to music is really different from natural speech anyway.

I know this semester is a disaster just like last semester. It's just somehow I've grown accustomed to just not giving as much a shit anymore. I do admit though.... just last week I made a mistake. I was in such a terrible mood I vented out some topics on a piece of paper and now it's somewhere I don't want it to be anymore. I can't do anything about it anymore other than just forget it exists.

But in any case, I am doing better.

I suppose the semester isn't over just yet, I guess I can bring it all back together somehow. I'm not completely helpless, I just rather not.... not sure what word I'm looking for here exactly.

I really wish the snow would go away though. It would be really nice to sit out on campus in the sun like I always used to. The sun's heat, it's a happy feeling. Maybe I'm meant to live in a summer environment. Even though I enjoy winter, nothing else can be better than being surrounded by green.

Scenes from black and white film

I have time before I'm off to the bank. Turns out I had three checks I needed to deposit and then my $120 in cash. Total? $988.11 :D
Sure, I feel a little rich, but subtract $110 for the utilities bill and plus I've had quite a spending myself this past week. I bought myself a $3 movie, and a $24 Fatal Frame game, $21 boots, $53 Chinese book, food, Walmart trips, etc.etc.etc... yeah. My spending needs to STOP like today actually :)

So in order to look better and still lose weight for the spring while saving money to buy new pretty spring/summer clothes (I needddd thoseee♥) I'm eating cheap yet healthy in the same way while going to the gym. Once or twice every week I'm going to the gym with Austin on alumni. I was supposed to start last week with that but we didn't realize alumni was closing so soon with Winter Break. So, it's going to start this week. Target: MY THIGHS. Too big big big.

Breakfast, consists of oatmeal - no sugar. I'm trying to lower my sugar intake so I have two tall jugs of plain oatmeal. Think about it for a second, oatmeal fills you up GREAT. So if I eat a nice sized portion of that every morning I won't be hungry for lunch. Duh, it makes perfect sense!! I'm currently adding shredded sweetened coconut flakes in it to make up for the lack of sugar, and also adding imitation vanilla extract too!! However I need to spend $5 every week :'( See, I can't stay awake for Lingustics so I need to buy a small coffee before that class every Tuesday and Thursday, UNLESS I get a meal swipe into a dinning hall (which happens from time to time) then I'll just drink like two glasses of coffee there and I'll be set. I did however buy a pack of cookies to bring to class with coffee because I always get tempted to eat with coffee. But all I need to do is bring three those days and I'm good.

Dinner/lunch, if I need to eat lunch that is, but I'm on a ramen diet. Before anyone freaks on me, I'm eating ramen the most healthiest way I can. I'm not mixing in the MSG packets and after I boil the ramen I'm dumping out the water in it then rinsing the ramen with fresh water and draining that. From there I'm mixing in my own flavoring. These are soy sauce with sesame oil, sweet and sour sauce, or ponzu sauce. One day I'll probably buy teriyaki sauce too but that's all what I have for now. Oh yeah, I have some Thai sweet chili sauce yet ♥ Ramen also has like no calories, it's really all in the MSG packets they give you, so losing weight here I come!! Low calorie intake!!

I still am buying rice and frozen vegetables but I just won't be eating them as often. But I need some kind of variety right? So no worries.

Since I'm clearly at a fruit malnutrition, either I'll buy a bag of clementines from time to time or when I get swiped into the dinning hall I'll just grab like seven or nine apples to take home, you know, for the week LOL.

I've got this though.
I'm setting myself up for the spring, I've got my reasons why. I guess the main message is, if I'm happy about myself I'll be happier with my life as a whole. Save money, eat somewhat right, exercise. Then when I get out of these winter bundles, I'll be more free to expression. 'Cause all I care about now is keeping warm! XD

I'm still doing this for you, you stupid. Whether you want me to or not, we've both changed. I really think we'll learn to appreciate each other better when you return. A year apart really changes everything... I think when we get back on track, we'll be stronger. It's why I'm not giving up on you just yet. I know something good will come out of all of this. I just know it. I'm not going to let you down. Please feel better soon. I miss seeing your smile on webcam :)

Talking to the Moon...

He's at it again.
I don't know why he's not giving up.

I made it clear that I wasn't interested. And then he has to give me a lecture on what I'm doing is stupid? What the fuck... I don't care about your fucking opinion. I don't like you and I don't want to date you.

I told them both I won't give it away.
The other guy is too shy to say anything to me about getting lunch or meeting anymore after he gave me Valentine's Day chocolates. I never returned the thank you in a proper way. But I think he understands.

However this other guy just pisses me off more and more. I hate when people bad talk Wien like that. They don't know him, they can't dare tell me how much of an asshole he is. I'll decide that for myself. I just don't understand how many times I have to tell this guy that I've decided to wait. How many times I have to tell him my heart is still taken. It's not ready to find another home yet. He just really pissed me off just now... Everything he had to say to me just had to cut deep like that. Who the fuck does he think he is...

Leave me alone.
I'm not interested in you.
I'll never be interested in you.
I only want one guy, and he's not you.

otona ppoi kanjiru

I've decided that from here on out I'm going to stop posting my new blogs onto Facebook. If anyone is really that interested in continuing to read these I'm afraid I have to ask you to please subscribe or check up on it every so often. I'm not looking for any attention, this is just something I do to let off some stress and speak my lingering thoughts. So, I apologize for any inconvenience.

I've noticed something recently.
I'm more mature than I thought I was. At least, when I think of how other people currently are or hear stories of how others were, I realize that I skipped being a stupid teen, a dumb college student, and I just want my future already. I'm not sure if it's a good thing. In a way I see it as because seeing immature people who can't take things seriously or do stupid things because they're "in college" just begins to make me mad. I never say a word to them, but I can't help but think it. But then again I wonder if I'm just being overly jealous. Maybe I wish I could be immature, maybe I wish I could just jump to any guy I wished, get drunk, and just have a good time. I can't completely say I'm mature anyway, that would just be ignorant. I am pretty ignorant. Who am I kidding.

Watching some movies, reading some fanfiction, I feel like I can relate more to that feeling of an adult than that of a stupid nineteen-year old. I don't feel like I care about others like a usual outgoing/party female college student. I feel like me and every other guy around me are completely different. It's not the issue if they like me or not, whether or not I want to try something new, I can't see anyone worthy anymore. I look around and see no serious guys. I see college and the unnecessary things that come with it. I'm not sure what to say about anything. What to think.

I'm being irrational right now. But it's not just a sudden spur of the moment thought. I'm being awfully biased, I'm being awfully.... inexcusable.

I remember back when I was in high school, I never thought of anything serious, really. I watched something and never noticed the significance or the real emotions poured out onto some matter. I always thought, "Awe, that's really cute. One day I hope to do something like that." But as I re-watch or watch new things now, I see something almost completely different. Maybe that's otona ppoi. The whole idea of just growing up for good now seems so much more exciting and rewarding. To actually be able to share your life with someone who cares about you and being able to smile when they come home every night after work. I don't know.... I'm just a little tired of being.... nineteen. It's still the age when I'm not supposed to be mature. I didn't want to get older or leave my teens but now I'm just sick of it. I just want to finish college and share some kind of life with a mature person. I just want to be at that point where it's right for me to be mature.

There's always something in way.
But I won't complain to anyone. I'm being irrational. My paragraphs can make others mad. I'm in a more mature state than I want to be. But I don't feel comfortable being any other way.

I'm sorry.

Hello Valentine ♥

It's Valentine's Day today!!! (well, it was lol)

I was excited when I woke up even though I don't have a date, or a Valentine, or technically a boyfriend. Quite sad really. But nonetheless I was happy, I was excited, I was ready for this Valentine's Day! I even sold a dog today!!! If I sell another dog on Wednesday or just lots and lots of supplies I'm looking at mad commission here!!! Who wants a $500 paycheck? FUCKING YES ME!!!!!!!

I'm sooo tired but I need to post this blog because of it's significance.

I spent the night watching episode 5 of 下一站, 幸福 and enjoyed a bowl of curry, assorted chocolates bought for myself, and chocolate covered cherries I received at work from a certain Asian in my class. Food was great and now I just can't wait to lay in my bed and sleep with my teddy bears, technically I bought the yellow one for a certain Chinese boy, butttt, as you can see he's not going to receive it until he comes back. Okay, lets just say I bought myself a teddy bear. I suck. haha but hey, the top of the bear's head smells like chocolate yepyep. I had to eat curry though. Stupid boy... it reminds me of you. It reminds me of how you lured me into your apartment because you said you had curry. I was used by the mention of curry. CURRY!! That's really sad. But I love curry :'(

This Valentine's Day couldn't have topped last year's of course. Sure, I have no one to lay next to this year (-cries-) but last year was just.... a little too crazy. I think back on it and I wonder how the hell I persuaded myself to allow/suggest such a thing. Never again... lol. I honestly will not repeat anything from the past now that I've discovered that suddenly random people are reading my blogs haha.

I've been though so much shit these past few months. You'd think that I deserve a Valentine's Day worth a good man or something. But you know what, I get depressed, I get upset, I get sad, I complain, I cry, I do tons of stupid things because I feel like he's never here for me many times. But then when I try to ignore him or hate him or try to get over him, I can't. Because he is here for me, just in his very insensitive way. There's times I say he's not worth my time and then there's days like now I praise him for being everything he is. I get in my moods, but I honestly can't stay mad at him. I promised him I'd change, and I swear I'm doing it, but while I'm at a distance here it's sometimes hard to control myself. But if he was near me I'd be able to push those terrible thoughts aside.

Sure, I shouldn't be expecting him to come back to me in a few months. How could I? But I want to be here for him when he does come back. I'll hold him like I always did.

This Valentine's Day was still for him. I sent him a card and I thought about him (not that I don't everyday already but) and ate curry and going to hug the big bear he bought me last year tight in bed tonight. POINT IS, it wasn't a crappy day like I expected. And.... it made me really happy when he said he came to check up to see if I wanted him before he visited his teacher.... (which I totally was waiting for him and left a message lol)

See, don't tell me this guy isn't perfect?

If I'm wasting my time, I'm wasting my time for a good reason.

I don't care if we're "separated". I'm still drawn to you. Because you do and say all the right things.

I love you still, and you'll be my Valentine this year too, at least to myself I will believe that.

2/14/2011 ♥ You weren't  such a bad thing after all :)

"Our love is like as if we've drawn a chance card so that we can be together. It's just that we've come to draw this fate now. But the game hasn't ended yet, right? No matter what kind of fate it gives to us, as long as the game hasn't ended yet, we shouldn't give up. This way, we will have a chance at winning."

It's starting to hurt much more

I wish I could forget about him.



He's an asshole.
I know it must be true now.

I once told a story about a girl who wanted a second chance. She's still searching for that outstretched hand.

"I don't know what's going on anymore. Everything is spinning and everything keeps getting harder and harder. Whatever it was that I wanted this semester is pretty much impossible.
Unless I put things back together this winter break in two weeks... I'm going to fail. No doubt that I will. It's kinda sad too. I was so determined freshman year and now... nothing wants to be in my favor.
It's aggrevating, it's annoying, I just wish I could quit. But I know why I'm acting all mixed up. And it's killing me more and more. Right now... I don't know if I'm happy about anything anymore.
I worry about things I should learn to forget about. I'm an idiot. I've wasted my time. I could have been better.

Who am I?

I was the girl who was going to excel in three different languages.
I was the girl who used to daydream.
I was the girl who dreamed of great things and wished hard for love and success.
I was the girl who was always strong and independent.
I didn't need anything to be happy.
I didn't need anyone to make me smile.

Even if I list the things that kept me sane, that kept reminding me of why I came here, I'm feeling like I failed at trying my hardest. I failed at aiming for what I believed in.

I want another chance.
I want to start over.
This isn't me.
I'm not like this.
I care... I should be caring about myself more than anyone else.
I don't want to break anymore."

"At least... that's what I was thinking this morning.

I don't calm down or relax easily. I throw words out my mouth and then pound the keys of my keyboard as I type away any stress I have. I'm stressed. I'm so stressed right now. And I'm not the only one. I was walking with my friend for our usual weekly lunch/tea break and his girlfriend is in the same position I'm in, even worse. She's working full-time while tryng to manage really tough accounting classes and a business minor. He told me she even broke out it tears last night. I understand her. I completely do. Everytime I talk to family about my situation I feel more like shit. That's why I hate to say anything to them. I'm not supposed to show struggle. Not in front of them. But by the way things are going now, I need to catch up somehow. I need to catch up. What good is it if I fail at being everything I wanted to be? I'm no good in Korean but honestly I can care less about that right now because I really think that Chinese is more for me considering I love kanji/characters so much. However I do regret not taking it sooner. Now I have to wait until next year. But everything else... I lost my business minor, but I gained a major, a major I have no idea what's going on right now. Everything is just a mess. This morning I just wanted to... I just wanted forget today. Just lay in bed and forget it was a weekday. I wanted to sleep forever. But I would have regretted it so much. I'd just get more behind.

And why do they have to be upset with me?
I'm being forgetful. I'm busy. I don't have any time to listen or talk. There's just too many things on my mind that I just can't keep up with what you're doing either.
So get upset with me. You have no idea and I wouldn't tell you anyway. I'm not going back to PA. I'm not.

I think... everyone needs to leave me alone for a month or two.
I just need to be alone. Alone and I don't know... I just don't want to be so stressed out anymore. I'm scared about what's happening.

If I could get a hug, I think I wouldn't let go."



And that was about eight hours ago. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about my situation. By the end of the day I got some kind of courage to move and do something productive and cleaned my room. Not saying that I'm not stressed out or anything but I do feel better. I guess my surroundings were making me feel worse than I should have. Or maybe I'm just on a temporary high for the night. Not sure. I wish I could relieve it all somehow. But... maybe it's still possible to fix myself before winter break.

If I could ask you just to listen to me, just to listen, not to give an opinion, not to try to make me smile or laugh, I would be entirely grateful. Maybe next time.

I know this is the wrong foot

I'm so frustrated with everything anymore. With people, with work, with classes, with my life, I just can't focus on what to do anymore. I'm behind in my classes and I don't know where to begin. I think about one thing and then that's all I focus on and what I keep thinking about isn't what I should be thinking about right now. All my focus is going towards that one thing and I'm just losing my grip. I'm just so frustrated.

These past two weeks haven't been helpful to me, I'm not sure if the information I'm receiving is even a good thing, all I want to do is sleep, I'm tired of freaking out over my spending habits, I need a fucking break. I sit here and attend class, try to pay attention and smile as much as possible with a laugh here and there. But the truth is, every day that passes me by makes me more and more scared because I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what I'm learning.

Everything is too much for me right now...
I just need a 3-4 day vacation where I can spend one of those days sleeping forever and the other two trying to catch up in my school work...

I need you to be here... I can't do this...

Sometimes I wonder..

February. Maybe the 14th is just another day, another number on the calendar, another day for people to get depressed, or another day that many others become lucky.

I could have been lucky. But last night I let the opportunity... well, I cut the tie. I denied it's existence and chose to continue the road that leads me to bits and pieces of what was but would never be again. It was probably a stupid move.. maybe I should...

But I'm just really scared.
Scared to lose the one thing I've continued to try to hold on for so long. Because I know he was everything to me, everything I've ever wanted, he was too good for me. I know I love him more than I ever thought I could. He was all I could have asked for.
Maybe that was the mistake. He was too good for someone who could never compare or be good to them back. Too good and forgiving to someone who'd never change and do stupid things time after time.

But maybe it's just because I still remember the way I looked at him when I watched him sleep, the way I'd look at him when we laid down and smiled at each other, the way he'd push me away when he complained that I was too hot when I tried to hug him under the covers, the way he looked down at me from above, the way he'd yell at me to turn around and rest my head on him when I decided to be mad and sleep the other way, the way we fought when he wanted the fan on and I wanted it off, the way I'd always hold his hand in every opportunity I had, the way I complained that he never did anything a real boyfriend would do for me, the way he'd always tickle me until I gave in, the way I'd poke his nose when he slept and then he'd make a weird face and turn in the other direction, the way I poked him anywhere I felt like it, the way I'd listen to him play the piano and guitar, the way I'd hid behind the giant teddy bear or blanket when he sang to me, the way I secretly take pictures of him whether he was awake or asleep, the way I'd watch him on the computer, the way we spent our winter days walking in the snow, the way I'd always meal swipe him Wendy's and call him a fatass for eating too much,

But what I miss the most are the times he'd tell me he loved me.

Why does he have to make things more complicated... why can't he see how much I'm still caring for him even from afar? Why doesn't he want me anymore the way we used to be? Why can I only be someone important, but not important enough to love back...

Tea is needed caffeine

Well, as I'm sure it's been heard, I got really sick these past few days resulting in terrible stomach pains, a massive headache, and almost passing out during work-study. As it seems to be, I've unknowingly been eating moldy bread for five days straight and it seems that when my body was getting rid of the nasty mold, I kept adding onto it making it much stronger. That's the conclusion I've come up with at least. I'm starting to feel a lot better now though; I was worried I'd have to go see a doctor but I think I'll survive :) It was kinda in a way my fault though lol

School has been going really great. I seem pretty interested in my classes so far, lets see

Korean 202
Japanese History II
Introduction to Lingusitics
Japanese 302
Translation of Japanese Modern Literature

The toughest class right now is the Modern Japanese Literature class with Fessler. We have to translate stories from like before the 1940s (Japanese at that point in time used now extinct kanji AND the hiragana reading/writing system was almost COMPLETELY different). It's a fun class, don't get me wrong but it's so amazingly difficult to translate these sentences. Sometimes it's an obvious meaning but it's just with these kinds of stories the author himself makes them have such strong meaning. Because the stories we get in the Japanese 302 class that we have to read, I have NO TROUBLE understanding them. 1940s and earlier Japanese... yeah. I for some reason didn't think the class was like this...lol.

I started to get addicted to a song called "Sorry That I Loved You" by Anthony Neely (倪安東). I wanted only that song but I was only able to find his album "Lesson One" (第一课) so I had to download it to get that song. And seriously, he is the MOST TALENTED Taiwanese man, no, the greatest artist on this planet. I spent the entire day listening to his album three times or more. Not to mention the uncounted time the day before. He's just incredible. His English is amazing and when he sings in it (listen to the song mentioned above) it makes you just melt. Every pitch, every note, he hits them just right. And the rest of his album is in Mandarin, and don't get me wrong, even those songs are to die for. Not to mention the guy is simply beautiful. He's a mix♥ His father is American while his mother is Taiwanese. You see, my babies are going to be so freaking beautiful♥ This is why I will have to marry an Asian. I'm going to have babies just like 倪安東 here.

 I love his album, he will become as famous as Jay Chou. He's got so much potential and it shows in his music. I'll learn Chinese just for him :) And he plays guitar ++++!!!!!♥♥♥ I can't help it, it's called addiction :)

Maybe I should go back to Ameba after doing this....

ブログは日本語でやろうと思った。アメバブログも持ってるんだけどそこはね....別に好きじゃない。英語でまだやるね。
まあ、日本語がわかんないの読んでくれてる人はちょっと残念けど。
 
春学期始まったよね。
嬉しいと思う。けど寝たいことやっぱり気がする。2日前からあたしが韓国語のクラスと一緒に受けてる韓国人はFacebookでチャットしてくれてる。なんかおかしいと思ったんだけど「たぶんその人は暇だよねきっと」って思った。昨日ビックリした。
「好きな人を探してるか？」ってゆってくれた
えっ、やばい。マジで.....

秋学期にこの人を初めて見たときカッコいいと思ったけど今、まあまあだ。
あたしのことに興味がある人がいるのがすごく嬉しいことなんて.....
どうゆう意味?

彼に本当の話教えてあげた。
理解できたそう。
でも彼がまだがんばるかも。

ベッドにだきしめれる人いなんだ。冬寒っ!ww

たぶんチャットで話し続ける。
どのぐらいこんなことやっちゃうの.....
ちょっと寂しすぎる。ただ愛をくれる人がほしいんだ。前の好きだった人のことを考えすぎ。
バレンタインディー何をすればいいのかい...?

あたしの気持ちをちゃんと.....「########」

Worth your while

Today is the worst I've felt ever since I came back to Albany. My mind just freezes, and I don't feel like saying anything. It's uncomfortable. And I don't know what to do.

I got my haircut this morning. I went to a place in the mall, "Tulio", and they did a good job. At first I hated it, how she did my bangs, but then I got home and realized I didn't look as bad as I thought.

I spent the rest of the day laying in bed.
I'm weak. This year I'm trying to be stronger but it doesn't change how I really am. Putting up a strong front is really the best I can do. Accept things the way they are is another thing I can do. But I'm still weak. I can put the facts in front of me and say "okay, This is how it is. I have to let it be," but then I'll have a fit inside myself. Or more of a struggle to accept what I accepted on the outside.

I had a bad feeling ever since I lost my heart locket for my necklace. I knew it became missing for some reason... it was like an omen really.

I lost.
To be honest, I kinda knew this would happen. Being apart from one person while spending lots of time with other people would mix things up. Affections develop, how could it be avoided? It happens all the time. Again, another strong front. But what else should I do? The best right now would be for me to stop everything I was doing. The last thing I want to do is give him more pain with my presence lingering around. Why should I stop him from finding someone great? Someone that is much closer to him? I lost. And, I needed to know that before I could stop everything. Now I can say... there's nothing left to try for.

I'm not very good at offering things. I can't offer smarts, beauty, money, etc. At times I think I can't even offer a solid friendship. But I knew I was good at loving someone when given the chance. But in the past I kinda failed at that too. But I know ever since last summer that changed. I tried, and it was worth it. I enjoyed doing everything I could for something I knew was less than a 50% chance of success. I don't regret it, and it wasn't a waste of my time. He wasn't. I don't care if he tells me he's wasn't worth my time. I won't believe it. And that's the honest truth, not a strong front. It doesn't change my memories I have and the happiness that came with them.

Love is the most difficult emotion. But it's thrown around a lot. I hate that with some people. With something so powerful it should be treated seriously, and I think I've experienced that seriousness. It's trial and error, that's all I can really say. The more serious you take it, the more you'll realize if this one is the right one for you. One day I'll be able to do it again, and find someone who will take this emotion seriously with me again.

I'm weak, but I don't regret anything.

Change can be a good thing afterall

I think today was the first day this entire year I felt like I accomplished something. More like, live up to my resolutions. I realized I gained five pounds over break. FIVE POUNDS!! Gosh... all that eggnog... not to mention I bought another half gallon yesterday lol... But the point is, I finally exercised today. I wanted to go for an hour but lo and behold that was clearly impossible for me. Not just because I'm such a lazy bum, really because there's only so much you can do in your room at night and before I knew it my legs just wanted to give out. Yeah, it means I'm pretty much out of shape but I kinda don't want to give myself leg pains for work tomorrow morning either. Two showers a day. One when I wake up, the other after working out. Sounds pretty good. Exercising is pretty important. I've noticed awhile ago but it definitely affects your mood. Well, for that time being at least haha. It makes you feel a little happy, if not by whatever hormonal things being processed in your brain, by letting you know you're doing something to improve yourself in some way. I watched two movies the past two nights. "Supersize Me" and "Killer At Large". Well, "Supersize Me" is pretty well known for it involves eating McDonald's everyday. But "Killer At Large" is more focused to just the obesity problem in America. Honestly, I don't think I'll eat fast food as often as I used to anymore. I mean, the movies didn't drive me away from the fast food industries (how could I deny Taco Bell?! lol), but I know I would be better avoiding them a little too. The main message I received was just that I don't want to be fat again. I was 135lbs, not where I wanted to be but still normal for my height. Now I'm 140. It makes me sick. ugh. I think I'm going to buy some dumbbells one day soon too; my arms are nice and thin, but there's like no muscle.

I'm trying to get a little more organized too. So I cleaned out my desk drawers and bought some extra stuff. A calendar for my wall (New York City Firemen lol) and also a mini agenda so I can write homework and stuff. I had one last year too and never really wrote in it but, I'm thinking since this one is super tiny and can easily take it anywhere and because of the fact I'm trying to get more organized this year, I'll use it. Besides, look at this thing. For 50% off (about $3 in the end) how could I NOT buy it?? :DD

It's soooo cute, right?♥ Always Borders to have the cutest things for the most outrageous prices haha

I also bought some Post It notes hoping to get that "more organized" thing down lol... um, and my eating habits are changing too. Will TRY to eat three meals a day but lunch will possibly be hard to do once classes begin again. But they will be smaller portions. Breakfast will still continue to be my maple sausages lol I do love them so much♥ And from there so far I'm on instant mashed potatoes and canned veggies. Oh and rice. My heart is still Asian so I do need my rice :D

I just feel more refreshed today for some reason. Change can be a good thing. A new job, a new outlook on life, a new view for myself. Only took me 13 days into the year for me to finally get a grip on this. I've also decided to start saving my money a little bit better too. I have so much I need to save up for. For personal expenses and for future intentions. It seems like four different savings in the end but, given time I think it should look less stupid than what it sounds right now haha.

Somehow I just feel so different today. I wish I could explain better. But I want to change everything. This year I just want to try. No. This year, I want to do it all. Life can suck, but I gotta keep myself happy :)

It's a theory of relativity. You wouldn't understand ;)

I remember when I was a kid I was told that once you cut your leg shaving it would never stop bleeding. I always wondered then why in the world women would want to shave their legs. You can guess what happened to me. It surprises me every time how long it takes for it to actually stop bleeding. My towel is a bloody mess now.

Yesterday I had to make a difficult decision. Quit or stay. Sushi Tei that is. I think I had my mind set on what I wanted from the beginning but I had a difficult time accepting that it was what I wanted. It bothered me so much I couldn't even sleep that night after my decision was made. I only accomplished two hours of sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about regrets, trying to persuade myself that it was the right decision. No one was making me feel better about it. Just felt worse and worse. Not to mention I had to wake up at 6:30 and get ready for work this morning. I was tired, of course. But wait, a morning shift? Yeah, in the end I quit Sushi Tei. Today I started my job in the mall in the Pet Store.

I called Jackie, my boss, and told her about it last night. She wasn't too happy to hear it and tried to convince me to stay. She said I was on my way for another raise, things should be easier for me now that I've been there a long time (aka I'm no longer training, which is the hardest part), that I wasted time and money that's why they train (something along those lines), how they would keep my position opened for so long if I wanted to come back, and stuff. I like Sushi Tei. The people are very nice to me, I get a free meal, and the pay is VERY good and there's tips included. But I just never enjoyed bringing myself to work and just couldn't wait until the day was done. I felt awkward around the people around me sometimes and I was VERY nervous around my two bosses. I liked talking to the customers; I'm a friendly person. But I'm just not a waitress. I mean, after this I have enough confidence to get another waitress job. I know I can handle it, but at this place... I had my happy days and my ehh days. I feel terrible about doing this to them and yesterday I felt even worst. I just don't really enjoy the whole waitress thing I think.

I need more flexible hours. There's a class I wanted to take but due to me working Tuesday nights I couldn't do it. Now that I have quit I possibly have the option to take it now. Not only that but I'm tired of doing nights, especially on the weekend. I wake up, too lazy to do anything before work, go to work, come home wanting to sleep. I accomplish nothing. And it's that way Saturday AND Sunday. I would at least like one weekend night free to do school work or something. I rather work mornings to begin with so my day isn't wasted being lazy. Another thing is my pay. I've been telling people I was getting $8.10 an hour. To be honest I have no idea if that's even true. I mean now that I think about it, how could I go from $7.25 to $8.10 within four months? Doesn't really sound right but maybe I did. Point is, I don't know. I don't know my tips either. And the most important thing is: MY PAY STUB. No pay stub is included with my check. I know I filled out tax return papers but that's all I did. I didn't give them my id, or a copy of my social security card. They never asked for a copy of either. So I'm not even positive I'm getting my taxes taken which is HIGHLY IMPORTANT if I want New York residency. I could have asked, but... I told them twice already when I started that I needed my taxes taken even though everyone else is under-the-table. I'll see at the end of the month if I get my tax return sent to me I guess.

The Pet Store. I woke up today, got to the mall around 9:30am and the first thing I did was clean shit and piss from the dogs' cages. That was my morning. Sound terrible enough? To be honest, I had so much fun. Not cleaning shit lol, that didn't bother me at all. But the time went fast for 5-6 hours. And honestly, I wouldn't have mind staying longer. I loved taking the dogs out of the cages and giving them to people, and even just holding the dogs for the hell of it. I already sold $72 worth of merchandise; I knew how to use the computer right away after Chris showed me once. I cleaned up after them, answered questions when I was able to, put mice and dwarf hamsters in a new cage, etc. I loved it. And just that alone has made me feel like I could work there every freggin' day. I loved it so much. We currently have this Saint Bernard and when you take him out of the cage you have to like throw him over your shoulder he's sooo big and fluffy and ♥♥♥♥♥♥!!! My love for just holding his huge body has made me decide to save $2,000 (that's how much he is there) just to buy one in the future. He's only two months old by the way which means he has much much more to grow yet :) But he should be sold soon, sadly :(

The Pet Store has more flexible hours. One very important thing to me is that my Sunday nights are guaranteed to be open since the mall closes at 6. And I don't have to walk a distance to get to the bus anymore lol. I can do mornings when I can and on the weekends there is even a middle shift (12-6), so I can even have a choice for that. Also if I needed to I can get someone to cover my shift more easily and switch hours for a week if needed. I'm a lot more flexible which makes me feel... less caged, if that makes any sense. Sure the pay is less, only $7.25, and I will never get a raise but I do get commission if I'm lucky enough to sell $1,000 every week. Trust me, if you sell a dog that's not so hard to accomplish since most dogs are about $1,000. Less stress here too. Like, at Sushi Tei I was always on my toes to try to move faster, try not to mess up the order, try to remember the menu and what comes with what, worrying about packing the takeout correctly, trying to move fast on the computer to punch up the orders (for some reason I always had trouble locating some meals), trying to look busy, pleasing picky customers, feeling too scared to talk in Japanese to the boss, feeling like shit when I screw something up, etc. It's a stressful thing. That's why it was always either a good or ehh kind of day. Here it's just, well, simple. I'm not saying I want to take the easy way out but, I don't want more stress to top me while taking classes. This year has been such a hell ride, I would at the very least like to enjoy work.

So, after today I've concluded I've made the best decision. Less pay means I just need to be more careful on my spending now. But I still have a job, I still have money coming in, and I feel a hell of a lot more better being employed. Tomorrow is my last day at Sushi Tei. Next day at the Pet Store is Tuesday.

I did unfortunately spend a little over $100 these past two days though. I bought myself an external hard drive (blue!) for around $80 because I am downloading too much music and taking space and I want to put my pictures/video from Japan in a safe place in case this computer explodes (lol it better not). Then $15 on a set of two silicon itouch cases, lime green and sky blue. I was surprised I even found them at Best Buy, they don't make cases for my generation itouch anymore... My hard case has cracked beyond belief and I've dropped the damn thing too many times to count. The silicon will protect it from shock which I NEED. I can't have a broken itouch :'( It is my life.

New 相対性理論 (soutaiseiriron) album released last year... ON MY BIRTHDAY??? Yeah, I had no idea. Found it and now I'm totally addicted. I love them. So so much. Life seems more complete again lol. For the many people who don't know this group, they're of course indie but if you read their lyrics, even in translation, their songs are so messed up lol. They really just sing about the most random things. Sometimes it doesn't even make much sense for your brain. They'll say something and you'll just be like, "whaaat the hell is that supposed to mean...?" Fun :)

Then there is Starbucks' Iced Chai Latte♥ My new favorite of Starbucks. Best free $3-something of my life today. I traveled with Kevin around the mall and he had a friend working in Starbucks and she gave us free vente drinks. I said that one just off the top of my head but it was the best sudden decision I made. The taste is exquisite.  

I smell like dog and dog shit now and probably will for the rest of my Pet Shop career. I walked around the mall like that afterwords and I smelled it radiating off my hands whenever I paid for something lol. Worth it? I think so :)

EGGNOG.

Resolutions. Pfft. So much for being strong. I cave in so easily when I talk to him. Figures it wouldn't work. Whatever. Whatever. He's just... too adorable. What else can I do?

Tomorrow I'm heading back to Albany. Trip to NYC in the morning I think, 8:30am? Then after I arrive at Penn Station I'm stuck there for two hours. As always I'll head to Au Bon Pain and buy myself a cookie as I wait the dreadful hours. But hey, I survived six hours stuck there so I think I'll be fine haha. Then it's time to diet. No joke. I looked at my stomach today and was like, "Shit. I gained ten pounds. I must have." There's no scale here but as soon as I get back I'll be stepping on it right away. And since I never buy myself sweets I should be able  to lose these extra pounds somewhat quick. That's when my resolutions will start. Obviously now me being strong is going to have to be in a different way, but my dieting, studying, paying more attention to myself, yeah, all that starts when I get back home at the apartment. Most likely as well I'm going to go to the mall after I get back to Best Buy for an external hard drive and laptop fan. In serious need of it.

I had my share of eggnog. Because of Chris I've gone crazy this entire holiday drinking it, buying it, trying all different kinds of it. ughh, EGGNOG. I FUCKING LOVEEE IT. I tried pumpkin eggnog, McDonald's eggnog milkshake, Starbucks' eggnog latte, soymilk eggnog, different brands of eggnog, I'm eggnog addicted. I really wish they sold it longer than the holiday. But then again I'd be fatter than fat. The stores have already stopped selling them and McD is the only place I can fulfill my addiction. But I don't know when they'll stop it either. That day I shall cry. But then again, it's impossible to get to McD anytime soon while at Albany anyway. Which makes me want to buy one last one before I leave now... MUST DO.

This story thing is hard to do. I'm wondering where I had my motivation all those years now in junior/high school. So hardddd.

I feel something good about this year already. Not sure why. Maybe I feel lazy and completely unmotivated to do much while I'm here in PA but I feel once I'm back in Albany everything will start moving much better. I need to do little exercises as well. Squats to tone out my ass, it's too fat lol and lunges for my thighs. I feel come this spring I might be a whole different person. I'll be at the point when I can actually agree with people, and finally feel I'm ready to deserve him. My hair will be much longer too and I'm considering on perming it. If not that then I'll just be curling it a lot. I always liked the big curls on girls with long hair. I feel... I'll be that definition I always considered, "pretty".

OMFG. I REALLYYY WISH THEY STILL MADE EGGNOG NOW!!! I WANNA MAKE EGGNOG PANCAKES!!!!

2011; Maybe this is the time I'm able to fix these broken pieces on my own

I've admitted it. I can't live without him. Every day I drive myself crazy wanting to talk to him, hoping to see his face again, just thinking about him I break down. With him gone, I feel like a huge chunk of me has disappeared. Even if I do get to talk to him everyday and share the same laughs and smiles with each other, knowing that it's nothing more than a friendly conversation doesn't do me any good. It's only a temporary high to get me through the rest of the day or to give me a good night's sleep. I'm so empty knowing my feelings won't reach his heart. I can tell him over and over how much I still care for him, how I'll continue to care for him throughout this year separated, but the way I want him to feel isn't exchanged back to me. I know he cares about me somewhere in his heart, but it's nothing more than caring. Being a really close friend isn't what I hoped for. Throughout these months I really considered this as going back to the beginning. Trying to get close to each other again just like in November 2009. The only problem is, I have too many memories I can't just let go of. And... it shouldn't take eight months to figure out you like someone... But if I even stand a chance, I won't know until then. And then I may never see him again even after that. He'll go away again, and leave me again.

What I've learned during these past four months is that I really do love him. If I've ever questioned myself about it before I know it's for real now. The problem is, love can never take you all the way. You can love someone so much but that alone can't make them happy. I've learned that. I thought I shown my love in many different ways. I took time to send him letters, make things, write my feelings for him (the good and bad), become interested in things that he is, and write 101 memories together. I've never received a letter back... I've never received a card... I asked for a letter, just a single letter... it was one of the things I've always wanted in a relationship; a letter from the person you care about from another country. I've never received anything. I'm not worth the trip to the post office.

I've been single since October. We never made it for a year.
The day he told me it was over I couldn't believe it. I never knew how much he started to dislike me, he never showed any negative emotion the weeks beforehand. I wonder sometimes if it was really my fault to begin with then. It was sudden, when he told me all the reasons for doing this.
If I'm single, I need to start acting it. Because I'm in love with someone who refuses to love me until his year abroad is over. If I've been ignorant for most of my life, I think I can recognize ignorance from others as well.

Today needs to be the day I fix myself. I can't do this to myself anymore. He's not a bad guy, he's worth every effort I've put into trying to have him back in my life. But we're aren't complicated, we're not separated. He told me he's single, he told me it's over. I'm playing a game that won't end until I see junior year. The days I think I've gotten closer don't mean anything to him. It's always the same answer.

I love him. I'll always love him.
I  made wishes, and I thought I'd hope for the best once the new year started at midnight. But maybe this is what I need to be a stronger person. I need to stop sending my feelings across the distance because they aren't registering on the other line.

I'm still going to be here. I'm still going to be waiting.
Even though I'm waiting, I don't want to pray everyday that maybe today would be the day I wouldn't have to wait anymore. I know already he'll never tell me.

I honestly don't think I'm good enough for him. Our personalities don't match. I'm not attractive enough.
But the fact that I love him will never change. I just need to be stronger and find a way without him for these next eight months. It's not going to be easy, but... he's not worth the constant crying over. Not anymore, for now.