Sometimes I wonder..

February. Maybe the 14th is just another day, another number on the calendar, another day for people to get depressed, or another day that many others become lucky.

I could have been lucky. But last night I let the opportunity... well, I cut the tie. I denied it's existence and chose to continue the road that leads me to bits and pieces of what was but would never be again. It was probably a stupid move.. maybe I should...

But I'm just really scared.
Scared to lose the one thing I've continued to try to hold on for so long. Because I know he was everything to me, everything I've ever wanted, he was too good for me. I know I love him more than I ever thought I could. He was all I could have asked for.
Maybe that was the mistake. He was too good for someone who could never compare or be good to them back. Too good and forgiving to someone who'd never change and do stupid things time after time.

But maybe it's just because I still remember the way I looked at him when I watched him sleep, the way I'd look at him when we laid down and smiled at each other, the way he'd push me away when he complained that I was too hot when I tried to hug him under the covers, the way he looked down at me from above, the way he'd yell at me to turn around and rest my head on him when I decided to be mad and sleep the other way, the way we fought when he wanted the fan on and I wanted it off, the way I'd always hold his hand in every opportunity I had, the way I complained that he never did anything a real boyfriend would do for me, the way he'd always tickle me until I gave in, the way I'd poke his nose when he slept and then he'd make a weird face and turn in the other direction, the way I poked him anywhere I felt like it, the way I'd listen to him play the piano and guitar, the way I'd hid behind the giant teddy bear or blanket when he sang to me, the way I secretly take pictures of him whether he was awake or asleep, the way I'd watch him on the computer, the way we spent our winter days walking in the snow, the way I'd always meal swipe him Wendy's and call him a fatass for eating too much,

But what I miss the most are the times he'd tell me he loved me.

Why does he have to make things more complicated... why can't he see how much I'm still caring for him even from afar? Why doesn't he want me anymore the way we used to be? Why can I only be someone important, but not important enough to love back...