"I don't know what's going on anymore. Everything is spinning and everything keeps getting harder and harder. Whatever it was that I wanted this semester is pretty much impossible.
Unless I put things back together this winter break in two weeks... I'm going to fail. No doubt that I will. It's kinda sad too. I was so determined freshman year and now... nothing wants to be in my favor.
It's aggrevating, it's annoying, I just wish I could quit. But I know why I'm acting all mixed up. And it's killing me more and more. Right now... I don't know if I'm happy about anything anymore.
I worry about things I should learn to forget about. I'm an idiot. I've wasted my time. I could have been better.
Who am I?
I was the girl who was going to excel in three different languages.
I was the girl who used to daydream.
I was the girl who dreamed of great things and wished hard for love and success.
I was the girl who was always strong and independent.
I didn't need anything to be happy.
I didn't need anyone to make me smile.
Even if I list the things that kept me sane, that kept reminding me of why I came here, I'm feeling like I failed at trying my hardest. I failed at aiming for what I believed in.
I want another chance.
I want to start over.
This isn't me.
I'm not like this.
I care... I should be caring about myself more than anyone else.
I don't want to break anymore."
"At least... that's what I was thinking this morning.
I don't calm down or relax easily. I throw words out my mouth and then pound the keys of my keyboard as I type away any stress I have. I'm stressed. I'm so stressed right now. And I'm not the only one. I was walking with my friend for our usual weekly lunch/tea break and his girlfriend is in the same position I'm in, even worse. She's working full-time while tryng to manage really tough accounting classes and a business minor. He told me she even broke out it tears last night. I understand her. I completely do. Everytime I talk to family about my situation I feel more like shit. That's why I hate to say anything to them. I'm not supposed to show struggle. Not in front of them. But by the way things are going now, I need to catch up somehow. I need to catch up. What good is it if I fail at being everything I wanted to be? I'm no good in Korean but honestly I can care less about that right now because I really think that Chinese is more for me considering I love kanji/characters so much. However I do regret not taking it sooner. Now I have to wait until next year. But everything else... I lost my business minor, but I gained a major, a major I have no idea what's going on right now. Everything is just a mess. This morning I just wanted to... I just wanted forget today. Just lay in bed and forget it was a weekday. I wanted to sleep forever. But I would have regretted it so much. I'd just get more behind.
And why do they have to be upset with me?
I'm being forgetful. I'm busy. I don't have any time to listen or talk. There's just too many things on my mind that I just can't keep up with what you're doing either.
So get upset with me. You have no idea and I wouldn't tell you anyway. I'm not going back to PA. I'm not.
I think... everyone needs to leave me alone for a month or two.
I just need to be alone. Alone and I don't know... I just don't want to be so stressed out anymore. I'm scared about what's happening.
If I could get a hug, I think I wouldn't let go."
And that was about eight hours ago. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about my situation. By the end of the day I got some kind of courage to move and do something productive and cleaned my room. Not saying that I'm not stressed out or anything but I do feel better. I guess my surroundings were making me feel worse than I should have. Or maybe I'm just on a temporary high for the night. Not sure. I wish I could relieve it all somehow. But... maybe it's still possible to fix myself before winter break.
If I could ask you just to listen to me, just to listen, not to give an opinion, not to try to make me smile or laugh, I would be entirely grateful. Maybe next time.
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