I honestly don't know what I was expecting for this day. I don't know, maybe something cute, something adorable, but really just a normal conversation. But maybe a tint of something else, something hopeful?
Lets just say as I think back on it now I'm wondering what was the point of trying to celebrate something that doesn't exist?
Yeah, Happy Anniversary. We aren't even together anymore.
I wasn't looking for immediate results, how could I? Nothing I do can ever bring things back the way they were because of the distance. Nothing is ever the same. And now I just feel embarrassed.
I look for his attention, a little too much. Today is just a blunder. I thought I had something to look forward to but in the end it's just as lonely as ever. So much for thinking I've accomplished a landmark, it's just an empty date that I tried to make important. In the end I let myself down. As to be expected, of course.
I enjoy talking to him.
Always do. But things just seem so helpless. If only I could write what happened today instead... everyone would be ashamed of me. I'm ashamed of myself. I don't even know him anymore so why would I even consider... like seriously, wtf. This was hardly the day. Waking up like this, I thought maybe seeing his face again and joke around could make me feel better; didn't help at all. And now here I am, regretting 12/04/10 ever happened. This isn't love. And I don't know what the hell I'm feeling for him now, what the fuck I was feeling at that moment I said okay. I don't even know what happened.
I feel like, I'm just tearing myself apart. What am I going to do for Christmas? Try to make that day special too? Try to talk to him again hoping for something special again? What am I supposed to feel? This has been one-sided since October.
I receive random hints that he still cares the slightest for me. That alone has been keeping me strong. The day he webcamed me drunk, it was the happiest I've been and the one day I thought that I was doing the right thing, He sang to me and played many songs on his guitar for me. He told me many times that he loved and missed me. But then the one day I double guessed myself when webcamming started to be too common while he was sober. Was it really worth being this friendly? If things plan to never change, if I'm not allowed to hear certain words for an entire year, being constantly teased by these overly friendly meetings, what am I supposed to do? Why should I have to look forward to the nights he gets drunk, hoping to receive his special feelings for me? He just doesn't get it. Then he gets upset for me being depressed, what is he expecting? He has no idea what I'm going through. He's out there miles away living a life where he doesn't need to worry about the feelings of others. Why am I depressed? It's because of him, but yet he thinks that I get depressed over nothing and/or random things and gets mad when I'm upset in front of him. Wtf does he want?
I want him. I love him. And I honestly don't care about anyone else's opinion on the matter anymore because I know what I'm doing is stupid already. I've gotten the facts shoved down my throat back in October. I haven't forgot them, I'm trying to think it can't be real. I'm pushing myself to do things just for one person. Learning Cantonese? Really? Is that even necessary? Wtf am I going to do with it if I can't spend the time using it with him? I never even wanted to do anything with China! What about last night? I would have never done that! What is this landmark supposed to mean anymore? Don't tell me you feel bad... Why would I want to know that...?
But I'm tired of being desperate. I'm tired of trying to send my feelings across the distance.
I wasn't expecting us to go back to before, but I was hoping.... hoping that I was able to feel that he wanted me too. Not only trying to make me happy.
If I make it through a year of pushing myself, persuading myself with the thoughts "if I just keep trying, prove myself by waiting" I'm going to be a mess by the time I don't have to wait anymore.
Before I got to speak with him I started writing a different blog entry:
I don’t think anything is a mistake anymore. If I considered all of this a waste of my time, thinking it was a mistake to meet you, what would have I accomplished? I would have realized that I’m weak for not wanting to try, realizing that no matter how much I may love someone I can’t fully trust them, and in the end it’s not love. You’re going to get hurt and you’re going cry. It’s what’s expected. One person is going to fade while the other stays devoted. Tell me nine months mean nothing. It comes and goes and the worst sides of people may show by then. Then let me know when it’s appropriate to give up. When does it become a hopeless battle?
I think if I learned anything these past three months is not to lose hope so easily. The beginning was the hardest thing I went through… Just receiving as much information as I did then was enough to just tell me to give up and stop trying. It all seemed hopeless. The words still dig deep into me. But I never let go. Instead I decided to look like a fool and come up with all these attempts to try and win him back. Yeah, I was desperate. Maybe I still am, but I don’t think it’s for a hopeless cause.
Today makes it one year. Whether or not we’re separated or broken up, I still consider this our anniversary. Because I’m still happy I can smile in front of him and not break down. Because I can still talk to him every day. Because he can still find a way to tease me about how much I care about you.
I know my time and efforts went into something worth more than the surrounding stress revolving around me. It’s not perfect, but I still believe there’s better things to come. If not sooner, I know it’ll be here by August of next year. Am I wasting my time waiting so long for something I can’t be sure to come? I ask myself that all the time.
If that’s the case, I can look at it this way. At least I’ll know how to treat the next guy I meet. I failed last time, but I know the next guy, if not an asshole, we can go far too.
I don't feel closer to you at all....
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