with his arm extended out ready to grasp his diming heart

It's been awhile since I posted, so I figured I'd get back into the habit again. It's just crazy, my head. There's just so much stuff to worry about, so many things I'm thinking about, I haven't been in a good mood, but I do feel somewhat a little better today.

Japanese class wants to kill me. I told myself, "If I don't get an A I'm taking 300 level all over again". That's a little crazy but I can't take it anymore. How the heck am I going to do what I dream to do or even be where I want to be if I don't start taking it more seriously? It's honestly not a thing about just passing the class and get it out of my way, finish my major, whatever that bullshit; it's not for that reason at all. I mean... even if I get that A I'm still going to audit in the class. However.... an A is impossible now..... that last listening test.... fuck.

I can't say that it hasn't made me more motivated and after her "inspirational" speech to the failing members of the class, I felt my heart literally stabbed. Crushed by a rock isn't good enough. Someone literally pierced my chest with a dagger and rotated the blade inside me. Enough of the visuals but that's what it felt like. I'm not bad at Japanese. I hold perfectly normal conversations all the time. I blame it on my lack of vocab. That's all I can do. Not much more to say on that matter.

I started using my KeyHole TV again. It might not help much but when I have the time I'll watch a variety show or the news and write down all the kanji that's not blurry on the screen that I don't know and look them up later. Then when I'm online doing whatever I'll put it on and just listen to it in the background if I don't want to watch it. I figured this way I'd learn new words and be able to put attention into my listening skills again. I listen to Japanese music all the time but I noticed that after some time I didn't care about actually listening to the lyrics of the song and just listened to it. That doesn't help me and listening to music is really different from natural speech anyway.

I know this semester is a disaster just like last semester. It's just somehow I've grown accustomed to just not giving as much a shit anymore. I do admit though.... just last week I made a mistake. I was in such a terrible mood I vented out some topics on a piece of paper and now it's somewhere I don't want it to be anymore. I can't do anything about it anymore other than just forget it exists.

But in any case, I am doing better.

I suppose the semester isn't over just yet, I guess I can bring it all back together somehow. I'm not completely helpless, I just rather not.... not sure what word I'm looking for here exactly.

I really wish the snow would go away though. It would be really nice to sit out on campus in the sun like I always used to. The sun's heat, it's a happy feeling. Maybe I'm meant to live in a summer environment. Even though I enjoy winter, nothing else can be better than being surrounded by green.